LAUGH LINES : PUNCHLINES

In the news: The stock market set record highs during the last government shutdown, and now it takes its biggest drop in years. Steve Tatham says that’s because everybody knows sequels don’t make as much money.

Sen. Bob Dole said all it would take to end the budget stand-off is “one phone call from the president.” Maybe so, says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “But calling Psychic Friends should only be used as a last resort.”

The company that publishes the Encyclopaedia Britannica has been sold to a Swiss investor. “Just what we need,” says Alex Pearlstein, “door-to-door yodeling.”

A survey of Utah voters shows 70% think Rep. Enid Greene Waldholtz should not run for reelection. So what to do? “Let’s see,” says Cutler, “Sanctimonious on the way up, tearful on the way down. . . . I’d say she has a fine career ahead of her as a TV evangelist.”

Massachusetts is voting on whether to ban body-grabbing animal traps. Paul Ryan says if it passes, the only place body grabbing will be legal is at the Kennedy compound.

Michael Jackson is at EuroDisney to recuperate from his recent illness. According to Premiere Morning Sickness, Jackson says he’s doing better and is even feeling goofy. Goofy immediately filed charges.

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One of those years: On Newt Gingrich being named Time magazine’s Man of the Year:

* “Unfortunately, the year was 1861.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “Psychology Today also put Newt on its cover--he’s their Ego of the Year.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “He finished just ahead of Oklahoma City bombing suspect Tim McVeigh--apparently the theme was Destroying the Federal Government.” (Hamilton)

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Fa la la la etc.: Princess Diana has opted not to spend Christmas with the royal family. She’s better off, says Tatham. “Even though people try to force them on you during the holidays, nobody really likes fruitcakes.”

* Gary Easley says it’s no wonder the Three Wise Men brought gold, frankincense and myrrh, “Hey, you go shopping and try finding something for a kid on Christmas Eve.”

* How wild are the shopping crowds? Buddy Baron says you know it’s intense when the cops use fire hoses to clear the gift-wrap area.

* To stop poachers from stealing his live trees for Christmas, a West Virginia man covered them with goo that “smells worse than skunk urine.” Not only did it stop the stealing, says Perisho, “Now his in-laws stay just for a minute.”

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Ruth Denburg Yoshiwara says her 5-year-old daughter, Emily, was describing the type of dog her friend has.

“It’s a laboratory.”