LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Argus Hamilton, on the O.J. trial being voted the nation’s third biggest story of the year, behind the Oklahoma City bombing and the Bosnia policy: “Actually, O.J. was No. 5. Oklahoma City was No. 1 and the Bosnia policies were Nos. 2, 3 and 4.”

Alan Ray, on the government shutdown: “Some bureaucrats are working at home. And to keep in the swing of things, they call each other on the phone just so they can put somebody on hold.”

Paul Steinberg, on President Clinton saying he often wonders how Lincoln would explain modern issues or what Truman would do with current affairs: “Let’s hope he doesn’t spend too much time thinking about what Nixon would’ve done about Whitewater.”

Jay Leno, on House Speaker Newt Gingrich: “You see his new plan? He feels the system of one Santa for the whole country should be replaced by 50 individual Santas working at the state level.”

Jerry Perisho, on attorneys advertising on computer networks: “Now when you surf the Internet, you have to watch out for sharks.”

Jenny Church, on Pier 1 Imports saying it lost $20 million because a money manager mishandled excess cash: “The guy went nuts and spent perfectly good money on a bunch of ugly wicker furniture and elephant figurines.”

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Health watch . . . Bob Mills, on an AMA Journal report that shedding weight may be the best way to beat coronary artery disease: “The quickest way to drop 150 pounds? Dump that twentysomething son who just lounges around the house all day.”

Church, on a new study that suggests there is no metabolic change from yo-yo dieting: “Still, your tummy might hurt from swallowing so much string.”

Mills, on a study revealing that CPR is done wrong 50% of the time: “The most common fault: failure to ascertain beforehand if the patient has adequate health insurance.”

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An aspiring high-wire artist approached the circus owner and asked for a job. Before the owner could turn him down, the man climbed the ladder and, 60 feet above ground without a safety net, rode a bicycle to the middle of the wire, where he remained stationary and in perfect balance.

“That’s no big deal,” the circus owner yelled. “I’ve seen that a million times.”

So the man stood on his head on the bicycle seat, pulled a trumpet from his coat and played Dixieland jazz. To the cheers of all the other circus performers, he then rode the bike back to the ladder, climbed down and asked, “Well?”

“I’ll think about it,” the circus owner said. “Louis Armstrong you ain’t.”

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Woodland Hills reader Joan Martin’s grand-nephew Brandon, 4, was attending a 50th-anniversary party for his grandparents, and had pushed his intake of food and soda to the limit. When he heard, “And now a final toast,” the anguished boy sputtered:

“You mean we have to eat more bread now?”