4 of 5 Dentists Recommend . . .

Presidential hopeful Bob Dole offered up an interesting theory last year: People who watch movies are eventually inspired to mimic the behaviors demonstrated in said movies. It’s apparently an idea with merit: Many of the movies of 1995 were about people committing crimes or falling in love, and during 1995, many individuals in fact did commit crimes or fall in love.

On the other hand, this theory doesn’t seem to extend to television, as no civilians watching politicians on CNN or C-SPAN were inspired to shut down the government over petty bickering and deny hundreds of thousands of fellow citizens paychecks.

Nonetheless, forewarned is forearmed, and if Dole’s hypothesis holds water, here are some of the activities we can expect Americans to participate in with zeal over the upcoming year:

* “Mars Attack!” and “Independence Day” will persuade moviegoers to unite with space aliens in insidious plots to destroy planet Earth.

* Dentists across the country will endanger their patients and themselves after being exposed to Julia Ormond’s tooth doctor in “Captives” and Corbin Bernsen in “The Dentist” (and if they catch up with “Marathon Man” on video, it’s probably advisable to simply let your choppers rot right out of your head).

* On the other hand, female scientists will head to their beauticians for glamorous make-overs after getting an eyeful of the titillating test-tube attendants of “Dead Drop,” “The Relic” and “Unforgettable” as well as the scientist’s assistant in “Mary Reilly.”

* Upon seeing “Tin Cup” and “Happy Gilmour,” which star Kevin Costner and Adam Sandler, respectively, as pro golfers, Americans will head en masse to the links, perhaps assisting O.J.’s hunt for the real killers in the bargain.

* Married folk beware: If your loved one catches up with the scheming spouses of “Diabolique,” “The First Wives Club” and “Faithful,” you might just end up on the endangered species list.

* Seeing “Flipper,” “Mission: Impossible,” “Sgt. Bilko,” “McHale’s Navy,” “A Very Brady Sequel,” “Star Trek: Resurrection” and “The Saint” in movie theaters will persuade audiences to stay home and watch Nick at Nite.

* After taking in the recent “Dead Man Walking,” the impending TV miniseries “Dead Man’s Walk” and the upcoming movies “Dead Man” and “Last Man Standing,” viewers will simply get very confused.

* “Surviving Picasso,” “I Shot Andy Warhol” and “Basquiat” will inspire viewers to become famous, tortured and ludicrously wealthy artistsf (talent optional).

* After viewing the antics of the bungling bad guys of “Fargo” and “Bottle Rocket,” moviegoers will be inspired to go on their own crime sprees, but at least they’ll do it ineptly.

* “The Chamber,” “Liar, Liar,” “The Juror,” “Night Falls on Manhattan,” “A Time to Kill,” “Primal Fear,” “Stephen King’s Thinner” and “Sleepers” will encourage movie fans to become attorneys. (Gasp! Maybe Dole is right--maybe Hollywood should be stopped!)

* “The Crucible,” “Kids in the Hall,” “Crash,” “Crossworlds” and “Mother Night” will give movie-goers new insights into mind control--at which point they might begin seeing through Dole’s attacks on Hollywood.

Or begin one of their own.