LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Coming attractions: Looks like Hollywood has become a presidential campaign issue. Think the best defense is a good offense? Says Steve Tatham, “If Hollywood wants to make movies about the current political scene, it already has the titles:

“Although Bill ‘Wild Bill’ Clinton is ‘The American President,’ some think he is ‘Clueless.’ Bob ‘Mortal Kombat’ Dole is feeling the ‘Heat.’ Steve ‘GoldenCard’ Forbes is riding ‘The Money Train.’ If Ross ‘Dangerous Mind’ Perot runs, his opponents will want to ‘Get Shorty.’

“The rest of the GOP’s field: ‘Seven’ ‘Usual Suspects’ who might have better odds at a ‘Casino.’ And though none of the candidates is ‘To Die For,’ what we’d all like is a little ‘Sense and Sensibility.’ We’d even settle for ‘A Few Good Men’ instead of ‘Les Miserables.’ ”

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In the news: President Clinton appointed Dr. Henry Foster to head a commission to reduce teen pregnancy. Says Argus Hamilton, “The idea has wide bipartisan support in Congress. They’ve all promised to start checking IDs.”

Super Bowl XXX set a new record for audience size. Says Alex Pearlstein, “With the new triple-decker and stuffed-crust pizza, what do you expect?”

* Adds Hamilton, “Those ratings pushed the start of the Persian Gulf War to second place. Not only did Barry Switzer beat the Steelers, he just beat George Bush.”

Oregon’s mail-in vote to choose a successor to Sen. Bob Packwood came with simple ballot instructions, says Kenny Noble: “Seal with a kiss.”

“60 Minutes” is finally going to show its interview with former tobacco executive Jeffrey Wigand. Says Russ Myers, “CBS hasn’t announced yet whether its lawyers will let them air it unfiltered or filtered.”

* He adds, “Meanwhile, the tobacco industry continues to deny gearing products toward young people, or, as they prefer to call them, ‘nicoteens.’ ”

Devoutly Baptist Baylor University has lifted its century-old ban on dancing. Says Bob Mills, “The rules are still pretty strict. Only home ec majors will be allowed to do the Mashed Potato, and the Funky Chicken is limited to agriculture students.”

A bank and Ralston Purina have agreed to put out a credit card with space on it for a photo of your pet. Says Gary Easley, “This is to remind you that with all the money you spent on Fido, you could have sent your kid to college.”

“The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers” will be renamed “Power Rangers Zeo” in order to introduce new plot lines. Premiere Morning Sickness says, “In a related story, hoping to boost the ratings of ‘Murder One,’ ABC will rename it ‘Friends.’ ”

In honor of Valentine’s Day, the Santa Ana Zoo will host a sex tour, highlighting the mating habits of animals. Premiere says one guest excitedly told reporters, “I’ve never seen a platypus in lingerie.”

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Reader Chris Chu of Claremont says her daughter Jasmine, 3, was asked by a cousin if she could tell her 18-month-old twin sisters apart.

“Sure,” Jasmine replied. “This one’s awake and that one’s asleep.”