A Judge’s Criminally Funny View of Life

Bill Bedsworth is the funniest judge I know. Not when he’s sitting in Superior Court, of course. With his thick graying hair and beard--he brings to mind a “Moby Dick” seaman--he usually looks pretty serious in black robes.

Bedsworth, 48, is funny when he’s writing “A Criminal Waste of Space,” his column for the local bar magazine. He started it 15 years ago when he was a deputy district attorney. Recently a friend gave me a copy of Bedsworth’s book “What I Saw & Heard,” a compilation of some of his best pieces. A more Bedsworthian title would be what he called the first section: “My Life Is Based on a True Story.”

I started laughing once again at Bedsworth lines I’d read years ago when I worked the court beat. There was the case Bedsworth came across where a “Balch Springs, Texas, pizza deliveryman was held up at turtle-point,” as the newspaper said playing it straight. Two robbers shoved a snapping turtle in the fellow’s face and threatened him with it if if he didn’t turn over his cash.

Bedsworth: “The picture of these two guys demanding ‘Your money or your nose’ has sustained me through an otherwise humorless week.”

And Bedsworth knew he had a column when he stumbled onto a case of two devil worshipers in court to dissolve their relationship: “They seemed to be a match made in heaven. Let’s face it, you can match up a Baptist and a Methodist, or a Catholic and a Jew. But if you try to pair a member of the Church of Satan with almost any other religion, you’re gonna have serious problems when the holidays roll around.”

He notes their property to be divided included: one bed of nails, torture devices, a crystal ball, a horned mask, an antique bat plate, two crossbows and a tombstone coffee table. Bedsworth: “Try to find an appraiser for an antique bat plate. And just where do you go to get it appraised: a china shop or a pet store?”

Bedsworth first wrote that one five years ago. I’ve been looking for an antique bat plate ever since, just so I could walk into his courtroom and surprise him with it.

Bobbing for Votes: Former Tennessee Gov. Lamar Alexander plays a huge role in the Republican presidential campaign--if he drops out of the race, says NLS Communications, a political information group in La Habra. On Monday, it released results of its latest noncommissioned statewide poll. It shows that if Alexander gives it up, Kansas Sen. Bob Dole would pick up 42% of his supporters in California--Pat Buchanan would only get 8%. The others would fall into undecided.

The NLS poll shows Dole leading Buchanan in the state, 35% to 16%. You’d think Garden Grove Rep. Robert K. Dornan would fare better in his home state than the zero he got in New Hampshire. Hardly: NLS puts him at about one-third of a percentage point.

Just Ask: Chapman University junior Kathaleen Collins wanted to see NAACP chair Myrlie Evers-Williams come speak on campus. So she went to the top. Collins walked up to the university’s president, James Doti, at a reception and just asked him to make it happen. Now it’s a done deal.

Evers-Williams will give a free lecture on campus March 12.

Collins admires Evers-Williams, who’s been a champion of civil rights causes since her first husband, Medgar Evers, was fatally shot in the driveway of their Mississippi home by a gunman (only recently convicted) 33 years ago. But Collins has something more in mind than a lecture. She says she hopes it will help “connect the disjointed Orange County African American community.”

Glad You Asked: If you’re a Disneyland fan and enjoy the Main Street Electric Light Parade, beware: After two decades as a warm season attraction, it goes into its final year when it starts up again March 30. It will be replaced with something a little more high-tech. . . .

Visitor business in the county was up 3% in 1995, says the Anaheim-based Visitors & Convention Bureau. Visitors wound up spending a total of $5.1 billion for the year. Too bad some of that couldn’t have been shoveled straight into the county’s bankrupt coffers. . . .

The Exchange Club Child Abuse Center honors seven of its most outstanding volunteers tonight at a dinner at the Balboa Yacht Club in Corona del Mar. They work with families where child abuse is a risk. Next time your luncheon partners make jokes about Orange County, bring this one up: Volunteers contributed 8,500 hours to the center last year, helping out 275 families. . . .

It’s David Robinson at the Pond of Anaheim tonight. His San Antonio Spurs are 36-17. The host Clippers are almost the opposite, 17-37.

Wrap-Up: If you’re a Mighty Ducks fan, you’ve likely seen Judge Bedsworth and didn’t know it. He’s a goal judge for the National Hockey League at Ducks games at the Pond. He once told The Times that the job had a lot in common with being a court judge: “You’re required to start out perfect and get better with experience.” Besides, he added, “I’m used to working in an environment where people yell at me.” Certainly no criminal waste of talent.

Jerry Hicks’ column appears Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. Readers may reach Hicks by calling the Times Orange County Edition at (714) 966-7823 or sending a fax to (714) 966-7711.