Ducks’ Selanne Gives Ice at the Pond the Cold Shoulder

Since arriving from Winnipeg, Teemu Selanne has done everything for the Mighty Ducks except Zamboni the ice, and that, quite frankly, is a great disappointment to Teemu.

Besides scoring goals, assisting on goals, killing penalties, upgrading the Ducks’ power play, upbraiding the Ducks’ power play (“Just brutal the first two periods,” he noted Sunday) and becoming the media’s new go-to guy for the glib postgame quote, Teemu is a connoisseur of NHL playing surfaces. He can lecture on ice grooves and density, wax about the legendary rinks in hockey history, rate the league’s slabs of frozen water from first to worst.

Or, put specifically, from Edmonton to Anaheim.

“The ice is so really bad here,” Selanne said after the Ducks plowed through the slush for a 2-2 tie against Tampa Bay on Sunday at the Pond.

How bad?

“The worst [in the league] the last three years.”

So bad that when Selanne arrives for work at the Pond, he isn’t sure if should skate out there with a stick in his hands or a paper cup, a plastic straw and some cherry syrup.

“It’s not smooth at all,” Selanne said, shaking his head. “Skating on it is like driving a car with one broken tire.”

Selanne mentioned “a couple good chances I had on the power play” that got away from him Sunday. Yeah, 17,174 paying witnesses know, they know. “Just as the puck comes to me,” Selanne said, “it wobbles. Two times, I try for the shot, but right before it got to the stick, the puck goes ‘Bump.’ ”

Both times, Tampa Bay goalie Darren Puppa ceased clenching his teeth and bracing for impact.

Saved, by a fortuitous Pond pothole.

The problem, Selanne believes, is what happens on the ice in between periods. Selanne is usually seated in the home dressing room when it occurs, but he knows what goes on out there.

Frightening things.

Hideous things.

Innocent spectators are dragged out of the stands, blindfolded, told to get down on all fours and ordered to crawl the length of the ice and degrade themselves in the pursuit of a possible free airline ticket.

Or they are helplessly strapped into bloated, padded fat-man suits and forced to flop around on the ice like pseudo Sumo wrestlers.

Fireworks are exploded on this ice in between periods.

Heavy, trudging sports utility vehicles--Win yours on Fan Appreciation Day!--take laps on this ice in between periods.

A husband with a weak slapshot misses the net on a prize-winning attempt from his own blue line and is slapped in the face with a cream pie by his wife on this ice in between periods.

Globs of pie cream welcomed the Pond Zamboni as it finally was allowed to do its business after the second period Sunday. The way Selanne sees it, the Zamboni driver is not at fault--it’s the Zamboni driver’s schedule.

“When we go out there after intermission, the ice is still wet,” Selanne said. “The ice should be dry when we starting playing, but it stays wet for seven, eight minutes.

“If the ice is dry, it’s way better to skate on. But with the other stuff that goes on at intermission, the Zamboni comes out late. When the players start skating on it, the ice is soft, not smooth.”

Selanne isn’t asking for much. He isn’t asking for, say, the glass-slick surface the Edmonton Oilers skimmed during their glory years of the 1980s.

“When Edmonton had the Dream Team--Gretzky, Kurri, Messier--they made the ice faster there, so no one could keep up with their speed,” Selanne said, growing near wistful at the very recollection.

“The ice in Edmonton is unbelievable. It makes so big a difference, I can’t even explain it to you . . . It’s an amazing feeling when you skate on good ice. You have the jump. It’s a great feeling. You feel like you’re almost flying.”

Of course, bad ice used to play to the Ducks’ advantage. Before Selanne and Paul Kariya, the Ducks had no speed. Slow players, slow ice. It worked for the Ducks.

“Maybe they did it on purpose,” Selanne said with a sly smile. “Maybe they had to do what the other teams did when Edmonton came to town. Make the ice like sand to shut them down.”

But the Ducks’ roster has changed, and so, Selanne professes, should the Ducks’ ice.

“We don’t want to complain--you have to win games on good ice and bad ice,” Selanne said. “It’s the same for both teams, but it would help a little bit if the ice was better.”

It comes down to priorities, really.

Do you want the playoffs . . . or jugglers, acrobats and pee-wee figure skaters?

The choice still belongs to Disney, so Selanne can guess the rest.

You want a spoon with that Slurpee?