Punch Lines

Lee Bailey, Won't You Please Come Home?: Celebrity lawyer F. Lee Bailey has started a six-month prison term for contempt of court:

* "He may be able to plea-bargain his contempt charge down to smug arrogance." (Jay Leno)

* "To add insult to injury, the judge ordered him to wear O.J.'s old jumpsuit." (Bob Mills)

* "He's only begun to suffer. Wait till he's out working on the road crew and an ambulance drives by." (Argus Hamilton)

* "He'll need help staying fit in his new, cramped quarters. It's a good thing he held onto his complimentary copy of the O.J. workout video." (Kenny Noble)

* "All the media attention has turned this into a real F. Lee circus." (Gary Easley)

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In the news: A federal appeals court in San Francisco has upheld the right to doctor-assisted suicide in the West:

* "Or, as Jack Kevorkian calls it, 'The Land of Opportunity.' " (Alex Kaseberg)

* "They're already printing up roadie jackets for the Kevorkian Tour '96." (Alex Pearlstein)

* "The court also ruled that CBS was trying to kill 'Murder, She Wrote' by putting it on against 'Friends.' " (Tony Peyser)

A new study shows that stressed-out people get far more comfort from a dog than from a spouse. Here's why, says Buddy Baron:

1) A dog will never touch the TV remote, unless it's made of liver.

2) A dog always wants to help you with the garbage.

3) A dog will lick your ears without expecting anything.

4) A dog will play with kids until they pass out.

Liquor stores in Paramount are using 6-foot-tall cardboard police officers to deter robbers. Says Joe Kevany, "So far, two officers have been recycled in the line of duty."

A manuscript signed by Albert Einstein is up for auction in New York. Says Mills, "In a recent survey, 67% of American high school students identified his theory of relativity as 'E=MC Hammer.' "

Retired manager Earl Weaver has been named to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Says Alan Ray, "Tributes to him have been known to go awry. Once, they gave him a commemorative plate, but he kicked dirt all over it."

For his 73rd birthday, Ed McMahon got a touching present from Anheuser-Busch, says Mills: "They named him an honorary Clydesdale."

They're planning another "Baywatch" spinoff, says Leno. "This one's going to feature the older members of the cast. . . . I believe it's called 'Sag Harbor.' "

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Reader Angie Papadakis of Rancho Palos Verdes gave her 4-year-old grandson a watch and tried to teach him how to tell time. After thoroughly explaining the mysteries of the big hand and the little hand, she said, "OK, now tell me what your watch says." He replied:

"It doesn't say anything. You have to look at it."

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