LAUGH LINES : Punch Lines

In the news: In an impassioned plea, President Clinton told the nation’s young people not to use drugs. He cited the drug problems of his brother, Roger:

* “This is my brother. This is my brother on drugs. This is my brother’s CD. Any questions?” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “He also noted that today’s marijuana is much stronger than it used to be. It’s true. One man in Los Angeles overdosed on pot last week and police had to chalk the outline of his body on the ceiling.” (Argus Hamilton)

In prison, F. Lee Bailey will come face to face with some of the world’s most notorious drug dealers, says Hamilton. “In the ‘90s it seems like you’re always networking.”

* Adds Jay Leno, “Imagine! A year ago, who would have thought O.J. Simpson would be riding around in a car with license plates made by F. Lee Bailey.”

Analysis by the American Population Bureau Inc. says the American family is coming back. Says Gary Easley, “That’s because the children are moving back home after their divorces.”

A leading psychologist says teaching kids to be neat can make them compulsive later in life. His research is inconclusive, says Alan Ray. “He has yet to find a kid who can be taught to be neat.”

A study shows that a pet dog is better than a husband at reducing a woman’s stress. “One lies around the house doing nothing and scratching all the time,” says Ray. “The other will at least fetch the paper.”

Next month, Sotheby’s will auction off items from Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis’ estate. Items on sale include family photos, Caroline’s rocking horse and JFK Jr.’s original potty seat, “which is being listed as John-John’s john.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

The NCAA college basketball tournament field has been announced. Says Ray, “For the top players on the chosen teams, it’s a tough decision. Do I take the big money, the fancy clothes, the car? Or do I turn pro?”

The Thomas Edison Birthplace Museum in Ohio may have to close because it’s having trouble paying its electric bill. Notes Paul Steinberg, “You know, the museum has only Edison to blame for this.”

New research shows it is possible for women to have orgasms just by sneezing. Says Leno, “And you thought they were buying that pepper spray for self-defense.”

*

Reader Ann Ellsworth of Helendale says that last summer the 17-year-old daughter of some friends received her first car. As Christmas approached, Ellsworth sent her a car tool kit as a gift. The girl’s mother looked in the box, then told her daughter that her gift from Ann and Bob had arrived and she would never guess what it was. After much guessing, she finally begged for a hint. “Well,” said Mom, “your dad and I hope you will never need it but if you ever do we’ll be glad you have it in the car and so will you.” Looking very surprised, her daughter said:

“Ann and Bob sent me a box of condoms?!?”