Something Odd Being Served Around Here

Greetings from the only spot on the planet where Ken Behring is more popular than Wayne Gretzky . . .

* And we wonder why the rest of the country is firmly convinced Southern Californians don’t use strong enough sun screen.

* The people of Seattle probably wouldn’t boo Gretzky off the rink one night while devoting two to the wining, dining, hosting and toasting of Behring, but I’m only guessing here.

* What kind of hors d’oevres are they serving at these Hail Behring shindigs? Baloney-stuffed shirts, guilt-free shame-free chocolate ring kisses, filet of sell our soul, greasy sweet nothings, half-baked hollow promises and pie in the sky a la mode.

* Everything, really, except poached Seahawk on a platter.

* Anyone who truly believes the Seahawks will be playing league games in Anaheim someday, can I interest you in some prime real estate along the cross streets of Katella and State College? Here, take one of these “Sportstown Anaheim” brochures. Look it over. Let’s do lunch.

* Coming soon to the Sportstown virtual reality theater: Video clips of the Seahawks running laps, playing catch and doing pushups at Rams Park.

* The theater, I am told, will be located right next to the empty football stadium.

* Cortez Kennedy, Missing In Anaheim. The Seahawks’ All-Pro defensive tackle has filed a grievance with the NFL Players Assn. contending that by moving the team’s practice facility to Orange County, the Seahawks are depriving him of gainful off-season employment. Kennedy has a $200,000 workout bonus clause written into his contract but now has no place to work in Seattle, so he is claiming financial hardship. I kid you not.

* Having the Seahawks pretend they’re here made for better viewing than any game they have played in years. It’s almost a shame the threat of league sanctions will result in Behring reopening his team’s Kirkland, Wash., training facility by April 1.

* Almost.

* Peter Ueberroth says Disney and the city of Anaheim continue to conduct secret negotiations over the Angels. What, after Disney officials gave us their solemn word that the deal was dead, kaput, six feet under? Longtime Disney observer Claude Rains put it best in “Casablanca”: “I am shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here.”

* If Behring had stayed in the used-car business--instead of venturing into the use-the-Anaheim-city-council business--when would Disney have officially taken over operation of the Angels? Last week? Last month? Last May?

* Quiz time, hockey fans.

Take a close look at these excerpts from two actual NHL rosters:

Team A: Teemu Selanne, Paul Kariya, Guy Hebert, Anatoli Semenov, Ken Baumgartner, Roman Oksiuta, Fredrick Olausson, Bobby Dollas, Jason York, Steve Rucchin.

Team B: Doug Zmolek, Jan Vopat, Sean O’Donnell, Vladimir Tsyplakov, Nathan Lafayette, Philippe Boucher, Barry Potomski, Eric Lacroix, Patrice Tardif, Mattias Norstrom.

For a free ticket to the Anaheim Seahawks’ 1996 home opener, which team is the third-year expansion franchise and which team played in the 1993 Stanley Cup finals?

* The coming of Ken Baumgartner was tad overplayed--he drops gloves and opposing teams’ enforcers; he isn’t Jaromir Jagr--but he will help the Ducks by giving Western Conference goons something to think about before making blind-side runs at Kariya and Selanne. And, you have to like a guy who used to bust his way into hockey fights by skating in and announcing, “Daddy’s home!”

* Six shots in the last two periods combined and they beat Washington, 2-1. Five goals against Grant Fuhr and Jon Casey and they beat St. Louis, 5-1. End-to-end dominance in a 4-0 triumph over the Colorado Avalanche. The Ducks are winning games they wouldn’t have won a year ago.

* That’s partly because there was no Colorado Avalanche a year ago.

* The Ducks are chasing Winnipeg for eighth place in the Western Conference, but if they know what’s best for them, they will set their sights higher. Eighth place would get them a first-round over-and-out against Detroit, which is 8-0-2 all-time against the Ducks. (In two games this season, the Red Wings have outscored the Ducks, 11-3.) Seventh place would give the Ducks a fighting first-round chance against Colorado. The Ducks are 3-2 against the Avalanche this season, including victories of 7-3 and 4-0.

* A Detroit-Ducks playoff series would, of course, bring forth a deluge of what’s-up-with-Stu-Grimson personality profiles. What’s up with Stu Grimson? In 46 games with the Red Wings this season, Stu has no goals, one assist, 110 penalty minutes and a plus-minus rating of minus-seven. There’s your answer. Nothing’s new.

* Some Gretzky-booing letter writers have attempted to explain the case they made at the Pond last Sunday. They claim they are serious hockey fans, and serious Duck fans (no longer an oxymoron, I’m informed) and were merely booing Gretzky every time he touched the puck because he plays for the enemy. That doesn’t explain why Gretzky was never booed at the Pond every time he touched the puck when he played for the Kings. Or why Brett Hull wasn’t booed every time he touched the puck Sunday night. Or Al MacInnis. Or Glenn Anderson. Or . . .

* The NHL trading deadline has passed and the San Jose Sharks have virtually wrapped up last place in the Western Conference. Sam McMaster didn’t lose, he just ran out of time.

* The Clippers play 10 games a year at the Pond. The Seahawks practiced at Rams Park for a few days. Everybody’s renting in Orange County, no one’s buying any more.