Punch Lines
Today is April Fools’ Day:
* “Martha Stewart’s friends always drive her crazy by playing impractical jokes.” (Alex Pearlstein)
* “In February we honored the presidents, so today we pay tribute to Congress.” (Alan Ray)
* “What’s the most common trick pulled in America? Promise voters you’re not going to raise taxes.” (Ray)
*
The vice squad: Bob Dole got rejected by another potential running mate--New Jersey Gov. Christine Todd Whitman. Says Steve Tatham, “Dole has almost run out of people who can spell ‘potato.’ ”
Al Gore referred to Newt Gingrich as “the Pied Piper of the preposterous.” Says Paul Steinberg, “Uh-oh, looks like Gore has caught the dreaded Spiro Agnew disease.”
Says Richard Acello, “If Steve Forbes became Ross Perot’s running mate, they could chip in and pay every American $50,000 to vote for them--providing a real message of hope, growth and opportunity.”
*
In the news: The National Research Council wants stickers on cars to rate their crash worthiness. Jenny Church says why not just use spare campaign bumper stickers?
* Clinton: Car tends to swerve back and forth across the middle of the road.
* Dole: Older model, high mileage, veers to the right.
* Perot: Compact model, makes lots of noise, engine may quit and restart unpredictably.
Astronaut Shannon Lucid is spending five months aboard the Russian space station Mir. Says Ray, “She trained to be isolated and the lone woman in her surroundings by joining the Republican Party.”
Last week the House voted to criminalize one type of abortion. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Do we want to send doctors to prison? Of course not. Make ‘em sit forever in the prison waiting room.”
Harley-Davidson is seeking to trademark its distinctive engine sound. Says Bill Edwards, “A favorable decision could encourage Chrysler to trademark its familiar ‘engine trying to turn over’ sound.”
The Tootsie Roll is 100 years old this year. Says Jerry Perisho, “I think it was one of the originals that pulled the fillings out of my teeth yesterday.”
Edwards says jurors in the Alec Baldwin trial were swayed by the defense’s catchy slogan, “If it’s paparazzi he hit, you must acquit.”
CBS announced that “Murder, She Wrote” will air its last show in May. Says Reinke, “In the last episode, she’ll investigate the network executive who killed the show by moving it to Thursdays opposite ‘Friends.’ ”
*
Reader Crystal Carman of Altadena says when her 3-year-old niece, Nancy, visited one summer with her mother and three sisters, the children were given permission to go barefoot while playing in the backyard. Within 10 minutes, Nancy came limping back in with a hurt toe. Which toe is it, she was asked. Through her tears, Nancy replied:
“The one that likes roast beef.”
