Punch Lines
Taco Bell calls its April Fools’ Day ad campaign claiming it had purchased the Liberty Bell the greatest hoax since “The War of the Worlds.”
* “Or at least since their claim that Taco Lights are healthy.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)
* “Truth or not, this stunt reminds me of that first Dana Carvey show sponsored by Taco Bell: No clapper.” (Bill Williams)
* “Nah, at least the Liberty Bell has one good crack.” (Cutler)
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In the news: In his new book, Robert Shapiro says during the O.J. Simpson trial he was offered an interview in Playboy and posed for photos in People. Says Jerry Perisho, “God bless the secretary who kept those appointments straight!”
* Adds Alan Ray, “Shapiro says he looked O.J. straight in the eye and asked him the most important question of all: ‘When can I expect to be paid?’ ”
Dr. Jack Kevorkian showed up for his latest trial dressed in colonial garb, including powdered wig. Says Alex Pearlstein, “He even made a patriotic speech: ‘Give me liberty to give you death.’ ”
Aetna is buying U.S. Healthcare to form the nation’s largest HMO. Says Bob Mills, “The deal will be finalized as soon as both parties agree on which essential medical procedures will be excluded because they cut into profits.”
The FCC has ordered cable rates to go down again. Says Paul Ryan, “Last time they did that, my rates went up $10 a month. If they cut the rates any more, I won’t be able to afford it.”
PR consultant Nancy Lee Freed defines “flack” as “a person who artificially disseminates the news.”
During this week in 1902, the nation’s first motion picture theater opened in Los Angeles. Says Perisho, “It only cost a dime to get in, but popcorn and a soda were $12.75.”
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Sports report: The University of Tennessee women’s basketball team won the NCAA championship. Says Perisho, “The coach said this group had evolved into a great team, but the state Legislature took a vote and declared that the team was created that way.”
The Dodgers have two pitchers from Mexico, one from the Dominican Republic, one from Japan and one from South Korea. Says Argus Hamilton, “It’s big trouble. Pat Buchanan wants Peter O’Malley arrested for trafficking in international arms.”
President Clinton is delighted with his new line-item veto, says Mills, “but what he’d really like is the power to reorganize the Redskins’ defensive unit.”
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Reader Vickie Roberts of Norwalk says her son, Matthew, 6, has been to one too many baseball-signing shows. After thoroughly enjoying T-ball practices and looking forward to the beginning of his first season, he suddenly became very anxious on the way to the big opening game. When she asked why he was so nervous, he said:
“What if someone asks me for my autograph? I can’t write my name in handwriting yet!”
