Punch Lines

Marlon Brando brought wrath on himself by telling Larry King that Jews own Hollywood and are responsible for negative stereotypes. Says Argus Hamilton, “Sure, it was a stupid thing to say. But for dramatic retirement speeches, it ranks right up there with MacArthur’s.”

* Adds Jay Leno, “This morning Marlon woke up with a big gefilte fish in his bed.”

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In the news: President Clinton signed the line-item veto into law, giving him the authority to modify legislation. Says Steve Tatham, “He put it to use immediately by changing it to a lie-item veto, which lets him remove Congress’ lies from all pending legislation and replace them with his own.”

For people still obsessing over who wrote the political bestseller “Primary Colors,” Jenny Church says there is a new support group: Anonymous Anonymous.

* She adds, “Dan Quayle is planning a book to be called ‘Primary Coloring.’ ”

The MTA has stopped tunneling again after the Hollywood Freeway started to sink:

* “The Four-Level Interchange is almost down to Level Three.” (Kenny Noble)

* “Apparently, they felt that taxpayers shouldn’t have to pay for a new Universal Studios thrill ride.” (Brad Halpern)

While Procter & Gamble objects to the FDA-required warning label on potato chips fried in olestra, Frito Lay is handling the problem beautifully, says Bob Mills. “They’re changing their name to Free-to Sit.”

Rap star Hammer was briefly detained by Hollywood police because he fit the description of a suspect brandishing a gun. Says Alex Pearlstein, “Plus, they checked his priors and discovered he was once No. 1 with a bullet.”

In sports, the Lakers’ Nick Van Exel was ejected for hitting an official and Mike Tyson was accused of sexual battery by a woman in a Chicago bar. Says Alex Kaseberg, “Remember the good old days when the boxers hit people and basketball players were always trying to score?”

The Dodgers recently held Windbreaker Night. Says Donna Sue Weiss, “I take my Windbreaker to every game. He and I have box seats.”

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Bombers away: “The suspected Unabomber is finding out jail is hell,” says Morty Wright. “Toilets, running water, color TV. . . . “

* “He says his favorite channel is TNT.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “His defense? He suffers from Mad Ka-Pow! Disease.” (Cutler)

* “If I were his brother, I wouldn’t even open my e-mail for a while.” (Kaseberg)

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Times reporter Tom Gorman says his daughter, Cassie, now 15, was always afraid he’d win a Pulitzer Prize. Recently he figured out why.

“Apparently my enunciation was lacking and for years she thought I was worried that one of my stories might get me a ‘bullet surprise.’ ”