His Patter Touches All the Bases

It’s never too late to learn.

In my case, I used to be a big detractor of Ross Porter, the veteran Dodgers broadcaster a couple of rungs below Vin Scully. Nice guy, apparently, and amiable on the air, too.

Whether working on radio or doing the middle innings of Dodgers games on TV, however, he never stops talking, never stops hemorrhaging minutiae so microscopic and obscure that it even gives trivia a bad name.

Will this guy please shut up . . . just for a few seconds?!

At least that’s what I used to think. But when I caught him a couple of nights on KTLA-TV Channel 5 recently, when the Dodgers were playing the Atlanta Braves and then the San Francisco Giants, his crusade against silence, against letting pictures speak for themselves, began to make sense.

Gradually I began to appreciate Ross, who is not related to Betsy Ross or Diana Ross. I began to value the range of his knowledge about baseball, which is rarely played underwater. I can’t think of anybody who knows more about Dodgers center fielder Brett Butler, who has lost half a step. Of course, it would be worse if Dodgers catcher Mike Piazza had lost half a step, ‘cause he has bigger feet. An elephant has even bigger feet, though. And you know Dodgers first baseman Eric Karros does not regularly correspond with anyone in Mauritania. That’s where they raise a lot of dates and grain.

Of course, all of that could change Saturday, which is not Wednesday.

And by the way, Dodgers right fielder Raul Mondesi never met Raul Julia or Julia Child. Same goes for Chipper Jones, the Braves third baseman who drinks water, but not from the Nile. Chipper, which is not an Italian name, has a great career ahead of him, just as when he walks to the parking lot, his car is ahead of him, as it is behind him when he walks from the parking lot. However, once he enters his car, his steering wheel is ahead of him, but above his knees, which are ahead of his stomach, which is behind his shirt, which he has never worn while watching Pavarotti in Glendive, Mont.

I understand they do play a lot of baseball in Montana, though, where we’re told Dodgers second baseman Delino DeShields has never ordered takeout Chinese.

What’s interesting about that is that Dodgers pitcher Ramon Martinez, a man, is not planning to play winter ball in China, even though he eats off fine china, although never in the presence of Dodgers knuckleballer Tom Candiotti, because the pointy Ts in Tom’s name could tip over and crack a plate.

What’s fascinating about that is that the artist previously known as Prince is from Minneapolis, where Candiotti doesn’t reside in the off-season. But the coincidence doesn’t end there. Know what’s located in Minneapolis? The Tyrone Guthrie Theater. And what’s the name of one of the Dodgers relief pitchers? Yup, Mark Guthrie!

Isn’t that something?

Now speaking of theater, Mark never met Laurence Olivier, but may have seen “Lawrence of Arabia,” although we’re checking on that. Now here’s where we tie things up. If Mark did see that movie, which we’re told stars Peter O’Toole and runs about 216 minutes, chances are he didn’t see it in Minneapolis, even though “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” was supposed to take place in Minneapolis, and Mary and Mark have never met.

Which proves that truth is stranger than fiction.

And speaking of fiction, did you know that Giants left fielder Barry Bonds has not written a novel, and doesn’t plan to? But if he did it would have pages in it, and if it was about Satchel Paige, it would have pages of Paiges. And here’s where it gets eerie. Satchel Paige was an African American, as is--know who else?--Barry Bonds, who runs like the wind.

Although no one’s ever seen the wind run. It would have to have legs to really run. Or even walk. So maybe we shouldn’t compare Barry’s running to the wind’s running. However, the wind can blow a ball out of the park. I’ve seen that happen. Although it would have to have lips or lungs to really do that, wouldn’t it? Amazing what you take on faith. Like there’s real cotton in cotton candy. But you know there really isn’t? It really gets you thinking. And they say baseball’s not an intellectual game.

They also say Giants manager Dusty Baker doesn’t drive a Chevy. There’s a good story about that. A Chevy is an American car. The odd thing is that Dusty’s young pitcher, Osvaldo Hernandez, is not from the U.S. He defected from Cuba, where Fidel Castro himself was once a major league prospect. And here’s the catch. Fidel bats and throws from the right, but does everything else from the left.

By the way, Giants first baseman Mark Carreon went to bed at 11 last night. And the interesting thing about that is, he usually sleeps with two pillows. But even when he doesn’t, he still does the job at first base, a position never played by Fred Astaire. You know Fred’s real name was Frederick Austerlitz? He was really something dancing with Ginger Rogers, Cyd Charisse and Eleanor Powell. But not Dick Powell. And speaking of first basemen, wasn’t the Orioles’ Boog Powell something?

So is Vin, who was no relation to Liza’s father, Vincente Minnelli, or Vincent Price, although I’m sure he’s seen some of those horror movies that Vincent Price made. But I bet not in Minneapolis, which is not in Kansas, by the way. I bet he saw “My Cousin Vinny” too, ‘cause I bet that’s exactly what Vin’s cousins call him. I don’t call him that, and you know why? Yup, he’s not my cousin.

You know, talking baseball can be a rewarding experience when you do your homework.