Punch Lines

In honor of Earth Day, says the Cutler Daily Scoop, all of today’s jokes have been recycled.

* Adds Jerry Perisho, “Earth Day always comes about a week after income tax day. That’s when most Americans realize they are dirt poor.”

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In the news: Have you seen the price of gasoline lately, asks Brian Matthews. “Did we go to war and nobody told us?”

* Adds Cutler, “Women are amazed. How can something with pumps jump so high?”

The Dole campaign is accused of receiving illegal donations from an aide’s company. Says Cutler, “Bob Dole says it’s too early to blame Bob Dole, but he’ll be keeping an eye on him.”

Dennis Miller, interviewing Sen. Arlen Specter: “You are the pro-choice Republican. It’s kind of like being the vegetarian cannibal.”

UC Berkeley law Professor William Fletcher has been nominated to the same court where his mother is a judge. Says Jenny Church, “Just imagine it: ‘Put down that gavel, son, you’ll put somebody’s eye out!’ ‘Young man, you clean up your chambers right this instant!’ ”

Utah has outlawed gay student clubs, saying such clubs “recruit others into a lifestyle that can kill them.” Says Johnny Robish, “I guess that means they’ll be banning ROTC, too.”

The Unabomber suspect is giving mathematicians a bad name lately, says Argus Hamilton. “It’s not fair to the great legends in that field. Take Albert Einstein--can you imagine anyone making a bomb out of his research?”

The FAA is reviewing rules that permit young people to fly airplanes. Says Robish, “In a similar move, the Federal Reserve is considering changes in the rules that allow retirees to clog bank lines during Friday lunch hours.”

A public health scare erupted over the weekend. Flesh-eating bacteria are on the loose in California. Says Hamilton, “In a related story, F. Lee Bailey was released from prison in Florida.”

* Adds Bob Mills, “He was allowed time off for somewhat-less-than-obnoxious behavior.”

Queen Elizabeth had only one wish as she blew out candles to celebrate her 70th birthday, says Brad Halpern: “Please, God, tell me this past year was really just an episode of ‘Melrose Place.’ ”

The makers of Tums are promoting their product as a source of calcium for pregnant women. Makes sense to Paul Steinberg. “After eating all those pickles and ice cream, you’ll need an antacid anyway.”

Wednesday marks the beginning of TV Turn Off Week. Says Alex Pearlstein, “I don’t know how effective it’s going to be. We’re right in the middle of ‘Baywatch’s’ National TV Turn On Week.”

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Reader Stan Cohen took his 3-year-old grandson, Mack, for a ride on the Red Line subway. As they rode the escalator down to the platform, Mack looked back and said:

“Look, Grandpa, the steps are following us.”