Punch Lines

In the news: Cutler Daily Scoop, on the Republican debate about possibly softening their antiabortion platform at their convention: “The way Bob Dole jumps around on the issue, the platform had better come with guardrails.”

* Adds Paul Steinberg: “Some Republicans are concerned that Dole doesn’t have a vision. Actually, what he doesn’t have is a prayer.”

Bob Mills, on President Clinton ordering the government to buy $50 million in cattle for school lunch programs: “Meat for school lunches, of course, traditionally comes from ‘mystery cows.’ ”

Tony Peyser, on Rep. Wes Cooley (R-Ore.), accused of lying about his Korean War record: “Reporters became suspicious when he said that Pork Chop Hill was a chain of gourmet butchers.”

Alan Ray, on Saturday’s Kentucky Derby: “Champion thoroughbreds possess the same traits as other professional athletes. They make a lot of money, behave like 3-year-olds, and can’t read or write.”

Charlie Reinke, on the Olympic torch riding aboard a train through part of Arizona: “It gave Amtrak engineers a chance to use something other than matches to light a joint.”

Argus Hamilton, on Congress wanting a return to the Family Hour on TV: “Those old shows had values. If ‘Little House on the Prairie’ were on TV today, it would be about three hookers in Wichita.”

Alex Kaseberg, on scientists discovering the cause of attention deficit disorder: “The big surprise? It isn’t MTV.”

Alex Pearlstein, on a British psychiatrist who says writers are more prone to psychosis and depression than other professionals: “Luckily, the health care industry has just introduced a special new drug for them: Prose-ac.”

Cutler, on May’s Revise Your Work Schedule Month: “For example, schedule brown-nosing early in the day when you are more flexible and limber.”

Paul Ryan, on the $340,000 Rolls Royce, the world’s most expensive car: “It comes with a license plate frame that says, ‘You can’t afford my other car either.’ ”

Jay Leno, on the Department of Labor dropping its demand that Hooters restaurant hire male waiters: “It was kind of a stupid idea. What man wants to spend all day walking around in orange hot pants with a bare midriff and a skimpy halter top? OK, besides Dennis Rodman?”

* Adds Cutler: “One Justice Department official said the Feds’ Hooters case was a bust.”

Buddy Baron, on a possible ban of Playboy and Penthouse on military bases: “The only boobs the troops will see are ones wearing lieutenant’s bars.”

*

Reader Marian Flinchbaugh of Helendale recalls her days teaching preschool. On Columbus Day, her husband dressed up as Christopher Columbus and visited the class. Later in the year, he made another appearance dressed as Santa Claus. As the children were enjoying Santa’s visit, one little girl pulled the teacher aside and whispered:

“Mrs. Flinch, I think Santa Claus is Christopher Columbus.”