Punch Lines

In the news: Parents attending graduation ceremonies at Virginia Tech discovered that their son, to whom they had been sending tuition and expense money for four years, was no longer enrolled. Says Jay Leno, “When they found out how much money he had scammed his parents out of, every law school in the country wants him now.”

In a speech in Wisconsin about welfare reform, Bob Dole said he was mad that President Clinton had stolen all his jokes the day before. Says Argus Hamilton, “Actually, they were proposals--but they sure sounded funny coming from Clinton.”

Dole was photographed sunbathing in a swimsuit in Florida. Says Leno, “Oh, man. First he got rid of the blue suit. Then he got rid of the tie. Now he’s gotten rid of his pants. Next he’ll step out of the shower and go, ‘Vote for me or I’m dropping the towel!’ ”

Shuttle astronauts inflated that blow-up antenna to the size of a tennis court. Says Kenny Noble, “But they stopped before it got as big as John McEnroe’s ego.”

It has been revealed that in 1966 the U.S. Army released bacteria in the New York subway to see what would happen. Says Paul Ryan, “The result was worse than they thought: rap music.”

In Maine, the Human Rights Commission voted to permit girls to compete against boys in high school wrestling matches. Says Bill Williams, “In other words, let the dating begin.”

Says Warren Lavender, “The Make-a-Wish Foundation just received a ‘wish’ from a Kodiak bear in Alaska who only recently discovered that her condition was terminal.”

In Lexington, Ky., if kids aren’t off the streets by 11 p.m. their parents can be arrested. Says Ryan, “You know what that means: 11:15, party at Bobby’s!”

Princess Di says she’d like to become a “roving ambassador” for worthy causes. Says Stan Kaplan, “Right now it’s a tossup between Mary Kay and Avon.”

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Roll ‘em: “Mission: Impossible” has one edge over a lot of contemporary movies, says Russ Myers. “Most of them self-destruct before they deliver a message.”

Moviegoers at a drive-in in Canada were spooked when a real tornado struck while they were watching “Twister.” Says Hamilton, “Many of them have the same question: When does ‘Showgirls’ come to town?”

* Adds Bob DeVinney, “ ‘Twister’ is so realistic, when I saw it the audience started looting the candy counter.”

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Reader Bob Rose of Beverly Hills says his daughter, Jennifer, 25, and a friend were in the ticket line at Century City multiplex theaters behind four octogenarian ladies. The four were vigorously debating which movie to see. Finally, one of them declared:

“I think we should see that one, ‘Waiting to Expire.’ ”