Punch Lines

Blow up your TV: President Clinton is calling for television networks to provide three hours a week of educational TV.

* “Kids learn plenty from TV as it is--’Some assembly is required,’ ‘Accessories sold separately. . . .’ ” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Watch enough daytime TV and you’ll earn a doctorate in abnormal psychology.” (Cutler)

* “Past loopholes allowed ‘The Flintstones’ and ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’ to be counted as educational. This begs the bureaucratic question: Is a couch potato a vegetable?” (Michael X. Ferraro)

Seagram’s plans to resume advertising liquor on TV. Asks Argus Hamilton, “How can parents keep their kids from watching Seagram’s commercials? This may require the VO chip.”

*

In the news: The GOP is arguing over what to say in its platform plank on abortion. Says Tarja Black, “The Republicans’ ‘big tent’ is a maternity dress.”

After Denver won the Stanley Cup, its hockey fans spent the night burning and looting. Says Hamilton, “These are the thousands of people who moved to Denver after L.A.’s riots in ’92.”

Scientists have discovered a new planet eight light-years from Earth, in astronomers’ terms. Says Stan Kaplan, “In economists’ terms, that equals the distance from Beverly Hills to South-Central.”

Los Angeles Unified School District revealed plans to open three academies for high school students interested in the movie business. Says Brad Halpern, “First period will feature running to get coffee for someone with attitude. Second period will teach kids how to disregard phone messages. . . .”

Joey Buttafuoco is reportedly moving to California to become an actor. Says Jay Leno, “I just hope Hollywood doesn’t change Joey’s values.”

*

Fore! more years: President Clinton achieved a lifelong dream when he broke 80 while playing golf in San Diego.

* “Reporters noticed an immediate improvement in his distance off the tee when he started using a ball with Al D’Amato’s picture on it.” (Bob Mills)

* “The Republicans wanted proof, but the president seems to have misplaced the scorecard.” (Paul Steinberg)

* “When asked to describe his favorite putts, he misunderstood the question and answered ‘Newt Gingrich.’ ” (Mills)

In other golf news, the U.S. Open starts today. Says Alex Pearlstein, “Thinking ahead, Greg Norman hired a new caddie. It wasn’t easy, but he finally convinced Dr. Heimlich he was just the man for the job.”

*

Reader Jeffrey Rimmer of Laguna Hills says an elementary school student asked her teacher, “What does ‘shack up’ mean?” The teacher hesitated, then explained, “It’s when two people live together but are not married. Why do you ask?”

“Well,” the girl replied, “my mother told me she’s taking me to a doctor for a shack up.”