Punch Lines

In the news: A Paris antiques dealer believes he’s found the armor Joan of Arc wore in the 1400s. She was burned at the stake by political opponents. Says Argus Hamilton, “Hillary Clinton has just put in a bid that would have made Jackie Kennedy proud.”

Why is Hillary letting her fingernails grow longer? asks Russ Myers. “These days she’s afraid to file anything.”

President Clinton should have corrected Bob Dole the other day, says Sheri Lundberg. “The only time tobacco smoking isn’t addictive is when you don’t inhale.”

In Russia, Boris Yeltsin faces a runoff with Gennady Zyuganov. Says Jerry Perisho, “Seize the moment, Scrabble fans. He won’t be around long.”

California has declared victory in the medfly war. Says Paul Ecker, “Officials saw the last of the bugs waving a tiny black flag.”

The La Mesa Fire Department rescued a woman who had become trapped in her chimney. Says Joe Dunn, “They took her to the hospital, where she was pronounced OK--except for a touch of the flue.”

It’s storm season again in Florida, where they’re watching a major tropical depression. Asks Jenny Church, “Do they seed the clouds with Prozac?”

Which pharmaceuticals company will find a sure cure for impotence? Speaking for joke writers everywhere, Paul Ryan says he hopes it’s Upjohn.

The Rose Bowl was packed to overflowing for Sunday’s U.S. Cup / L.A. Galaxy soccer doubleheader. Says Michael X. Ferraro, “Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis is threatening to convert his team to soccer and return to Los Angeles.”

*

Booooooorn free . . . The “freemen” said they were reluctant to surrender because they feared the FBI would give them “no brain” drugs.

* “The Feds wanted to, but they have a policy forbidding unnecessary waste.” (Gary Easley)

* “An FBI spokesman said, ‘If we wanted to make their brains shrink, we’d make them watch “The Nanny.” ’ “ (Premiere Morning Sickness)

More trouble for the “freemen,” says Bill Williams. “Just their luck, the lawyer they hired is a member of an extremist group called the ‘expensivemen.’ ”

*

Stand and deliver: A man in Hungary has invented a musical condom:

* “Women prefer sensuous melodies like Ravel’s ‘Bolero,’ while men like ‘The Anvil Chorus.’ ” (Miles Smiles)

* “My wife has ordered me one that plays ‘The Minute Waltz.’ ” (Hy Faber)

* “For philandering couples who meet for afternoon quickies, ‘Pop! Goes the Weasel.’ “(Smiles)

* “Sorry, but I won’t even put John Tesh on my stereo.” (Faber)

*

Reader Arlene Beck of Thousand Oaks says her grandson, Steven, 4, knows that the medication she takes makes her mouth dry. The other day she was drinking some water when he asked:

“Gramma, my tongue isn’t dry. Why don’t you just be a kid?”