Punch Lines

How will various celebrities be spending this Independence Day?

* “Robert Downey Jr. will lead his Hollywood pals in a rousing chorus of ‘Stars in Stripes Forever.’ ” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “Hillary Clinton will chat with Betsy Ross about how to patch up her image.” (Russ Myers)

* “Bob Dole will host his largest constituency at a big fund-raising ball billed as ‘In Depends Dance Day.’ ” (Pearlstein)

* “Ted Kennedy will launch bottle rockets; Madonna prefers cones.” (Olympia Daily World)

* “Kathie Lee Gifford will watch kids playing with sparklers . . . then order them back to work.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “If you notice explosions of brilliant colors across the sky tonight, it’s because Jerry Garcia is just now arriving in heaven.” (Pearlstein)

Here’s a holiday consumer tip from Olympia: “Never buy fireworks from a guy who has more tattoos than fingers.”

*

In the news: From the entire roster of Punch Lines contributors, three words: “Menendez. Shotgun wedding.”

In Washington, no one will admit to hiring Craig Livingstone as White House security chief. Says Bill Williams, “It’s like one day they just turned to him and said, ‘Mr. Livingstone, I presume?’ ”

Laguna Beach is working to control fire danger by having goats eat excess brush. Says Cutler, “Goats? I thought only ewes can prevent forest fires.”

A report shows crime in California has hit a 25-year low. Says Alan Ray, “Criminologists cite better education. Gang members now form carjacking pools.”

Avis Rent A Car has been purchased for $800 million:

* “It should have cost $400 million, but the buyer opted to pre-purchase the last tank of gas.” (Ray)

* “Negotiations dragged while Avis tried to get the buyer to take the insurance.” (Stan Kaplan)

So Joey Buttafuoco is moving to L.A. to make movies. Says Michael X. Ferraro, “New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani hailed it as ‘a selfless move that gives us salary-cap room to go after Michael Jackson, Roman Polanski and some of the other big names.’ ”

* Adds Charlie Reinke, “Doesn’t Joey know that ‘Dumb and Dumber’ has already been made?”

The new John Travolta movie, “Phenomenon,” is about a dunce who mysteriously attains genius IQ. Says Bob Mills, “People seem to like it--especially Dan Quayle, who has seen it 378 times.”

*

Reader Robert Friedman of Beverly Hills says his twin grandchildren Alexis and Jordan, 4, were asked to sing in front of their preschool class. They decided to do “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” They sang so quietly it was barely audible.

“When asked why they sang so softly, they replied that they didn’t want the other kids to learn the words to ‘their’ song.”