Punch Lines

In the news: Israeli leader Benjamin Netanyahu visited the White House on Tuesday. Says Argus Hamilton, “Two nannies who worked for him are trashing his wife and now his mistress is giving interviews. He and Clinton should get along fine.”

Gov. Pete Wilson needed more throat surgery. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “After his presidential run, he had trouble swallowing his pride.”

It turns out California campaign consultants helped save Boris Yeltsin’s job last week. Says Hamilton, “That explains this week’s volcano eruption in New Zealand. Lenin is literally raising hell.”

Baseball’s all-star game was played Tuesday night. Says Alan Ray, “A big name doesn’t really like playing in it because an injury could be financially devastating. He might hurt his autograph hand.”

In Australia, a dominatrix named Madame Lash is running for the Senate. Says Cutler, “If elected, she’ll become majority whip.”

The high-IQ organization Mensa held a convention recently. Says Ray, “They met to seek the answer to one of life’s most perplexing questions: ‘Why won’t you go out with me?’ ”

Hollywood revisionists have made an industry out of turning classic downers like “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” and “The Scarlet Letter” into feel-good films. Says Art Montag, “Next up is ‘Crime and Punishment,’ which will end with Raskolnikovsearching for the real killer on the 18th hole.”

O.J. Simpson celebrated his 49th birthday on Tuesday:

* “His friends sang ‘Happy Birthday’ and presented him with a cake--presliced.” (Alex Kaseberg)

* “Johnnie Cochran showed up with a life-size cutout of Mark Fuhrman for the second annual game of Pin the Tale on the Honkie.” (Kaseberg)

Word around Hollywood is that Robert De Niro is set to star in a remake of “Moby Dick.” Says Rudolph Cecera, “Boy . . . you thought he gained a lot of weight for ‘Raging Bull.’ ”

MTV is adding a new all-music channel aimed at younger viewers. Says Steve Tatham, “Next, they’ll add one for even younger viewers that will play nothing but sonograms.”

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ID4: “Independence Day” is such a smash, says Jay Leno, “Today the aliens came back to say ‘Look, we want our cut of the dough. . . .’ ”

* “These aliens want to use up our natural resources, lay waste to our big cities and refuse to negotiate with the president. Is this a movie, or an attack ad by the Democrats?” (Cutler)

* “In the original script, space aliens destroyed the White House in a more conventional fashion. They appointed a special prosecutor.” (Ray)

* “In the sequel, Bob Dole is president. He convinces the invaders that smoking is safe, and they all get emphysema and die.” (Leno)

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Reader Nancy Brandstetter of Sylmar recalls the time 3-year-old grandson Jake asked permission to take a new toy outside. She had to say no. Jake thought this over for a few minutes, then walked over to his Uncle Dave and whispered:

“Let’s get Grandma out of here.”