Punch Lines

Torch songs: Eastman Kodak gave inexpensive cameras to 80,000 people who attended opening ceremonies at the Olympics. Jerry Perisho was a little disappointed. “When I heard there would be 80,000 flashers, I envisioned something totally different.”

Having jacked up prices on everything, says Stephen Due, “Atlanta is getting its revenge by burning all the tourists.”

Says Alan Motis, “The corporate presence in the Games has gone too far. There’s something wrong when the Olympic flame is burning in a super-size box of McDonald’s fries.”

NBC’s coverage has been breathless. Says Argus Hamilton, “Bob Costas needed medical attention after the opening ceremonies. He bit into a glowing adjective and nearly burned his tongue off.”

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In the news: Bob Dole celebrated his 73rd birthday Monday with an ice cream party:

* “The way things are going, I presume the flavor was Rocky Road.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “He announced that his annual physical shows him to be in very good health. I wish the same could be said of his campaign.” (Brian Matthews)

* “Age could wind up being an advantage over President Clinton out there on the campaign trail. Dole can go into Hooters and stare at the menu.” (Hamilton)

A new book by an aide to Richard Nixon says Clinton won the former president over by showing him respect. Says Alex Pearlstein, “Apparently, Clinton sought Nixon’s advice a number of times. For instance, he once asked, “Is it ‘I am not a crook’ or ‘I am not a crook?’ ”

A study shows that test scores rise if students are paid. Says Joe Kevany, “You want higher test scores? Try paying teachers.”

There’s a new crime bill before the California Assembly, says Alan Ray. “It gets tough on multiple offenders. Three strikes and you’re Robert Downey Jr.”

“The Cable Guy” is the first Jim Carrey movie likely to fall short of grossing $100 million. Says Bob Mills, “To put it in laymen’s terms, some people showed up but they didn’t order the premium channels.”

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Good sports: After the Lakers agreed to pay him $120 million, Shaquille O’Neal said that what really matters to him is his love for the game. Says Hamilton, “Yep, he’d still be out there playing if they gave him only $110 million.”

Kobe Bryant is the youngest Laker at 17. Says Matthews, “He will be paid close to a million dollars for his first year. And the sad truth is, he still can’t afford California auto insurance.”

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As reader Cindy LaMotte of Huntington Beach recently put her 9 3/4-year-old son to bed, she kissed him and told him how much she loves him. After a rather long silence, she asked, “And is there something you want to tell me?” Eric paused a moment more, then replied:

“I love you too, but . . . I’m trying to cut back.”