Punch Lines

Gymnast Kerri Strug says she’ll skip the UCLA scholarship, hire an agent and cash in on her Olympic fame. Says Argus Hamilton, “She’ll really miss Coach Bela Karolyi. A Hollywood agent won’t carry anybody unless they can produce.”

How badly does Carl Lewis want to replace somebody on the 400-meter relay team, so he can try for a record 10th gold medal? Says Michael X. Ferraro, “Well, he’s flown Tonya Harding to Atlanta. . . .”

Canada’s Olympians are doing OK with that celibacy pact they had to sign before the Games, says Alan Ray. “Going without sex for weeks has taught them an important lesson. They’ve found out what married life is all about.”

Background checks of security guard Richard Jewell reveal that he was once fired for being “too enthusiastic” about his duties. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Hey, it’s the ‘90s. Being excited about your job is a sign of emotional instability.”

Hillary Rodham Clinton visited the Olympic Village on Wednesday. Says Hamilton, “She went to cheer up the U.S. canoeing team that lost all the white-water events. She reminded them that white-water losses are tax deductible.”

*

In the news: President Clinton said he’ll sign the welfare reform bill because, “The good outweighs the bad.” Says Johnny Robish, “Maybe he should consider that as his campaign slogan.”

Bob Dole praised “Forrest Gump” for its wholesome values although the film is 2 years old. Says Bob Mills, “It may just be a personal favor. Forrest has been advising him on campaign strategy.”

Pat Buchanan is calling for a “buy American” pledge in the GOP platform. Says Cutler, “He wants that message nailed on every telephone pole in America, even if he has to drive around in his Mercedes and do it himself.”

The IRS announced plans to decrease its total staff by 5,000 people. Says Jenny Church, “They insist it’s not a layoff, it’s a deduction.”

Researchers have found the gene that controls hair growth in men. Says Charlie Reinke, “It was hard to see because it was underneath the gene that makes men spray-paint their bald spot.”

German scientists have found a way to create diamonds by baking small spheres of carbon. Says Alex Pearlstein, “Fake diamonds are RuPaul’s best friend.”

Tommy Lasorda is coming out of retirement, says Rusty Woods. “He announced that he’s going to play for the L.A. Lakers.”

Dennis Rodman says he’ll quit the Chicago Bulls if he doesn’t get the pay raise he wants. Says the Funny Scheet, “Just to show how serious he is about getting a bigger salary, he now has the Rachel hairdo.”

*

Reader Laurel Hall of Whittier says a young man who works with her husband installed a lavish sound system in his car. It took up so much room there was no space left for a spare tire. When the inevitable happened and he had a flat, he called home for his father to bring him a tire. His father advised:

“Try putting your stereo on the wheel.”