Oh, My! It’s All So Awesome

Downey’s California:

Here’s how the Republican National Convention would be covered by television, if it were staffed by NBC Sports:

Summer Sanders: “Bob Dole looks awesome!”

John Tesh: “The courage and bravery of this proud war veteran with the ballpoint pen in his hand has to be the story of this convention thus far.”

Bill Walton: “Pat Buchanan’s a joke! He’s so overrated! No way he could beat Bob Dole, no way!”

Summer Sanders: “Pat looks awesome!”

Ahmad Rashad: “I’m standing here with the Illinois delegation, and look who I just found. Michael Jordan! Michael, you look great! Do you feel as great as you look?”

Jim Lampley: “Good job, Ahmad.”

Hannah Storm: “Indeed.”

Bob Costas: “Now let’s get back to our interview with Strom Thurmond, plausibly live.”

Summer Sanders: “Strom looks awesome!”

Greg Gumbel: “We remind you that coming up later tonight on NBC, we will have, in its entirety, the announcement of Bob Dole’s vice presidential running mate, plus the reaction from a shocked American public when it was made earlier today. For those who don’t wish to know the identity of Dole’s running mate, please cover your eyes, while we flash the name on your TV screen.”

Dick Enberg: “Oh, my.”

Bob Costas: “Now let’s go out to Marv Albert and Al Bernstein, because it is 2:30 a.m. and nobody is watching. Marv and Al?”

Marv Albert: “Thank you, Robert. And may I say that the suspense of awaiting Bob Dole’s arrival here in San Diego is not unlike that of awaiting Willis Reed, as he entered Madison Square Garden in the playoffs to play for the New York Knickerbockers.”

Al Bernstein: “Marv, I don’t understand what convention the judges are watching, because on my card I’ve got Steve Forbes ahead of Dole, 500 delegates to 15.”

Ahmad Rashad: “Look who I just found in the North Carolina delegation. Michael Jordan! Michael, you are undoubtedly the greatest. Is it difficult being the greatest?

Jim Lampley: “Good job, Ahmad.”

Hannah Storm: “Indeed.”

Bob Costas: “Now over to Jim Gray, who’s got the presumptive First Lady nominee with him. Jim?”

Jim Gray: “Elizabeth Dole, you are America’s new sweetheart. America is falling in love with you. How does that make you feel?”

Summer Sanders: “Elizabeth looks awesome!”

John Tesh: “There’s a kind of hush, all over the world, as we bask in the brightness of this warm August morn, and one cannot help but feel that Elizabeth Dole knows that this is her moment of truth, her place in the sun, her once in a lifetime.”

Hannah Storm: “Indeed.”

Bud Collins: “Elizabeth is certainly the Grand Dame of this Grand Old Party. Hannah, throw in one of your patented ad-libs here.”

Hannah Storm: “Indeed.”

Magic Johnson: “I changed my mind. I will play for the Lakers next season.”

Dick Enberg: “Oh, my.”

Magic Johnson: “I changed my mind. I won’t play for the Lakers next season.”

Dick Enberg: “Oh, my.”

Greg Gumbel: “Let’s go out now to NBC correspondent Sara James, in downtown San Diego with a vendor selling onion rings that bear an amazing resemblance to Rush Limbaugh. Sara?”

Summer Sanders: “Rush Limbaugh onion rings look awesome!”

Bob Costas: “We remind you that coming up a little later on tonight’s program, Connie Chung and Newt Gingrich’s mom, synchronized swimming.”

Bill Walton: “Gingrich is so overrated.”

Ahmad Rashad: “Look who I just found, visiting the New York delegation. Bill Bradley! Senator, you never got to play against Michael Jordan. Do you love Michael Jordan as much as I love Michael Jordan?”

Jim Lampley: “Good job, Ahmad.”

Hannah Storm: “Indeed.”

Magic Johnson: “I changed my mind. I will play for the Lakers next season.”

Dick Enberg: “Oh, my.”

Summer Sanders: “Magic Johnson changing his mind is awesome!”

Tom Brokaw: “ ‘NBC Nightly News’ continues in a minute, with a look at aspiring Alabama gubernatorial candidate Charles Barkley, and the reasons Bob Dole chose him as a running mate. Back after this.”