Punch Lines

And they’re off! Quarterback Bob Dole called his first three plays last week, says Argus Hamilton. “Dole runs a reverse on supply-side, then Jack Kemp runs a reverse on affirmative action, then they both attack the other side for running so many reverses.”

The GOP convention is over. Says Alan Ray, “That means the Christian Coalition can go back to focusing on its primary business: other people’s.”

Hitting bookstores this week is President Clinton’s latest, “Between Hope and History”:

* “He first wanted to call it ‘Between Fries and Rings.’ ” (Bob Mills)

* “Thanks to Hillary’s contacts, it’s the first book ghostwritten by a real ghost.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Environmentalists should be pleased. It’s being printed on paper recycled from Newt Gingrich’s unsold novel.” (Mills)

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In the news: A local radio station set a world record at Saturday’s Dodgers game by getting 50,000 people to dance the Macarena. Says Alex Pearlstein, “I know a better way to get 50,000 people on their feet, hopping and shouting: Just lock the bathrooms.”

In Paris last week, a gunman robbed an airliner after pulling a van in front of the plane while it was taxiing down a runway. Says Jay Leno, “This is the biggest and boldest airline robbery since they started charging four bucks for that stupid headset.”

General Mills bought Chex cereals for $570 million. Says Ray, “The buyers were lured by several attractive assets. With two proofs of purchase, they can send off for a Frisbee.”

The makers of Pez have come up with a battery-powered dispenser. Says Bill Williams, “It’s the first semiautomatic candy dispenser endorsed by the NRA.”

* Adds Reno Goodale, “The bad news is, there’s now a five-day waiting period to buy candy.”

A cockroach derby was held at Rutgers University. Says Cutler, “The winner was disqualified when it was discovered that he’d gotten stuff under the table.”

British researchers have found that intelligence is affected by the brain’s acidity. Says Gary Easley, “Less acidity means higher intelligence. And more acid on the brain means two plus two equals 10 dancing frogs wearing pink tutus.”

Kurt Russell stars in “Escape From L.A.” Says Ray, “In this movie Los Angeles is a crime-ridden, riot-torn hell where those with the biggest guns rule. Producers rejected its original working title, ‘1996.’ ”

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Reader Kelly Gallagher of Tustin says his daughter Devin, 4, visited a fellow preschooler’s house to see his new collie. Devin couldn’t wait to tell her dad all about it.

“You should see Tommy’s dog!” she said. “She looks just like Lassie!”

Disappointed by Dad’s lack of enthusiasm, she added:

“And she’s in color!”