They Don’t Need Happy Returns: One Will Do Fine

Patrick Lally, an environmental lab technician from Kalamazoo, Mich., and Francesca Bijelic, a former junior bodyboarder from Hawaii, have won the opportunity to return serves by retired tennis stars John McEnroe and Billie Jean King and possibly win $1 million.

To collect, the contestants must hit a 3- by 3-foot target with the return of serve. They will get their opportunities today on Arthur Ashe Kids’ Day at the National Tennis Center in New York.

At least they don’t have to face Pete Sampras or Lindsay Davenport.

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Trivia time: What three American League teams have never played in a World Series?

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Always a Cub: Andre Dawson, 42, will end his career this year with the Florida Marlins but says if he’s elected to the Hall of Fame, he wants the plaque to show him in a Chicago Cub uniform.

“The one thing I remember most [about Chicago] is the fans, especially in right field,” said Dawson at Wrigley Field this week. “The excitement, the electricity--this is a place that rejuvenated my career. This was a part of my career that I’m most fond of.”

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Prime time: John Madden, Fox NFL analyst, on Dallas Cowboy cornerback Deion Sanders: “Deion is the first player to be able to dominate a game from the defensive back position.”

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Platoon, halt! Sport magazine’s 1996 preseason All-American team lists senior Pat Fitzgerald at both tight end and linebacker.

It’s not a return to two-way football. The tight end plays at Texas, the linebacker at Northwestern.

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Memorable Reds: Only two Cincinnati Reds’ numbers have been retired--No. 5 for Johnny Bench and No. 1 for Fred Hutchinson. Acting managing executive John Allen wants to add to the list, perhaps Pete Rose’s No. 14, Joe Morgan’s No. 8, Tony Perez’s No. 24 and Ted Kluszewski’s No. 18.

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Then there’s Waterfield: Speaking of retired numbers, reader Doug Hays of Glendale can’t understand why UCLA has failed to retire quarterback Bob Waterfield’s No. 7.

“Bob Waterfield was the best QB this town has produced,” Hays says. “He was an outstanding punter and field goal kicker and played defensive back. He beat SC, 14-7, and took UCLA to its first Rose Bowl game [in 1943].”

One of UCLA’s seven retired numbers is 16, worn by quarterback Gary Beban, the Bruins’ only Heisman Trophy winner.

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The last straw: The Green Bay Packers have traveled to Dallas three years in a row in the NFL playoffs and lost. That’s bad enough, Packer safety Leroy Butler says, but the attitude of fans is even worse.

“People come up to me and say, ‘I’m the biggest Green Bay Packer fan of all time, but if you can’t beat Dallas, I may as well be a Cowboy fan,’ ” Butler told columnist Rich Gosselin of the Dallas Morning News. “That’s like spitting on me.”

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Trivia answer: The Angels, Texas Rangers and Seattle Mariners.

And finally: Barry Bonds, asked why he rides a motorcycle to San Francisco Giant home games: “It’s the only time people can’t get to me. You can’t hear anything with the helmet on. It’s kind of peaceful.”