Punch Lines

Bill Clinton has a big entrance planned for his speech tonight, says Argus Hamilton. “It’s right on message. He’ll appear onstage in a wheelchair, dressed in a gorilla suit, carrying a child he’s just rescued from Newt Gingrich.”

Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Hillary’s speech reinforced one of the major themes of the campaign: The wrong Clinton and Dole are running.”

* Adds Bill Maher, “Some folks thought she’d wander into the crowd like Elizabeth Dole did. But she realized it might be too easy to get a subpoena.”

The GOP keynote speaker in San Diego had her baby with her. The Democratic keynoter had twin babies with him. Says Hamilton, “Kathie Lee is starting to wonder why she’s the only one who gets picked on for exploiting children.”

On opening night, all the Democratic delegates were dancing the Macarena. Says Cutler, “It’s perfect for a Clinton convention. Every few seconds you change your position.”

Meanwhile, Bob Dole is relaxing in Santa Barbara this week. Says Alan Ray, “The break is giving him time to catch up on the top domestic program on his agenda: ‘Matlock.’ ”

Says Joan Rivers, “I hate Dole. I hate Clinton. It’s like choosing your favorite Menendez brother.”

*

In the news: There was a fire at an office building next to the White House. Says Charlie Reinke, “Officials believe it was started either by a construction project or by a smoldering roach tossed from next door.”

L.A.’s new subway is behind schedule and over budget. Asks Brian Matthews, “Who’s building it, a movie director?”

GM will begin marketing its electric car in November. Says Alex Pearlstein, “They did have one bad omen for the battery-powered car. At a recent new product fair, it went haywire and made road pizza out of the Energizer Bunny.”

The director of the L.A. Convention Center was discovered to be moonlighting in Hawaii. Says Paul Ecker, “Here today, gone to Maui.”

Jack Kevorkian broke his own record by attending four suicides in one week. Says Larry Swerdlow, “You have to admire the guy. His business keeps growing, and all without repeat customers.”

Michael Jackson testified in a legal dispute over his role at the “Jackson Family Honors” show. Says Jay Leno, “He said he agreed to appear on the show but not to perform. So it was a lot like his wedding night with Lisa Marie, same deal.”

*

Reader Deborah Scott-Toux of Rancho Cucamonga was at the fair with her 6-year-old son. He was particularly intrigued when they saw two pigs mating. Mom saw him staring and braced herself for questions about the birds and the bees, but he just looked up and said:

“So that’s where ‘piggy back’ comes from!”