Punch Lines

Iraq attaq: This may be the slowest week in the history of network television, says Argus Hamilton. “Talk about the dog days. CBS showed reruns, NBC showed reruns, ABC showed reruns, even CNN is showing reruns.”

* Adds Marty Rubman, “Next, President Clinton is going to drop a million copies of ‘It Takes a Village’ on Baghdad.”

* Adds Alan Ray, “He’s ordered the Air Force to fly over Baghdad and drop Dick Morris.”

* Adds Charlie Reinke, “The president is delighted that the media are focused on Saddam and the ‘no-fly zone,’ not Morris and the ‘open-fly zone.’ ”

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In the news: Morris is on the cover of Time again--this time with his wife. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “And next month, they’ll be on the cover of Divorce magazine.”

* “The Star said Morris liked to get down on all fours and bark for his hooker girlfriend. Now his wife is going to follow through on that fantasy: She’s getting him neutered.” (Reinke)

Sex scandal or not, the latest polls put Clinton 21 points ahead of Bob Dole. Says Bill Williams, “Fighting fire with fire, Dole has hired a new campaign advisor: Dr. Ruth Westheimer.”

The city of Los Angeles is celebrating its 215th birthday. Says Michael X. Ferraro, “However, other cities are whispering that L.A. is really 230 and has had several face lifts.”

* He adds, “The city’s birthday celebration was marred when it was dropped by its agent, William Morris.”

Ventura must decide whether to rebuild its pier with wood, so it will remain the longest wooden pier in the nation, or reinforce it with steel so it will last longer. Says Mark Elliott, “Most women in town agree that it’s not the size of the pier that matters but how well it can stand the motion of the ocean.”

Basketball and bedroom legend Wilt Chamberlain turned 60 last week. Says Hamilton, “He found it especially depressing. None of his 6,000 children even bothered to send a card.”

This week marks the birthday of Ferdinand Porsche, inventor of the car that bears his name. Says Jay Leno, “If it wasn’t for him, thousands of bald, middle-aged lawyers would not be able to get dates.”

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At the movies: In “A Very Brady Sequel,” says Cutler, “Jan spends the whole time complaining about Marcia, Marcia, Marcia . . . much like O.J. in his video.”

Cutler adds, “If ‘Tin Cup’ starred Tiger Woods, they’d have to call it ‘Gold Cup.’ ”

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Reader Donna L. Ring of Vista says her grandson Bryce Dornon, 6, spent some vacation time in Mexico with his family. When they returned, Bryce was asked how his vacation was. He replied:

“Fine, but it was so hot down there I had tears coming out of my head.”