A Swinger’s Paradise

Each year, a zillion tourists invade the Caribbean in an armada of cruise ships. They are in search of pristine beaches, sparkling jewelry and charming natives who will entertain them with song, dance and plenty of the local spirits.

Of that zillion, a handful are golfers. From port to port, they are in search of some little jewel of a course far from the wheeling and dealing of an island’s jewelry district, far beyond the incessant rhythms of steel bands.

Golf in the Caribbean is escape. Golf while cruising is exotic and a little weird.

“What did you do today?”

“Went to the beach, snorkeled, touched an angel fish and bought a palm frond hat.”

“What did you do today?”

“Went to Colombian Emeralds, bought a two-carat number with diamonds and got them down $300 on the price.”

“What did you do today?”

“Played golf.”

“What?”

Yes, this spring I took a seven-day golf cruise on Royal Caribbean Cruises’ 880-foot, 2,740-berth Monarch of the Seas. It sailed round-trip from San Juan, Puerto Rico, with stops in Martinique, Barbados, Antigua, St. Martin and St. Thomas.

The ship was first class in all respects. The boat was impeccably maintained, the crew friendly, the food decent, the entertainment better than good and the golf program, called Golf Ahoy, far more adventurous, far more exhilarating, far more satisfying than I could have imagined.

One thing I couldn’t get used to was playing on sea legs. As any sailor knows, the rhythm of the sea becomes the rhythm of your body. It’s not conducive to good golf, but that wasn’t the object. The object was to prove that you can cruise and play golf and make that an experience in itself.

Day One, at sea

I overslept the Golf Ahoy meeting. After lying in bed for an hour, maybe two, I wondered why so many people where digging into the ice machine near my room at 4 in the morning. I then cannily deduced that it might not be 4 in the morning. It was quarter to 10.

I hurried to an aft lounge and managed to catch the final five minutes of the meeting where a bored Brit, a member of the ship’s shore excursion staff, was explaining how you couldn’t get a refund on your golf tickets unless you canceled 24 hours in advance. The cruise line made all the arrangements for golf in each port including transportation, greens fees and cart. Cost varied between $64 and $101.

There were about 40 potential Golf Ahoylics at that first meeting, though far fewer would venture ashore to play. When the Brit said he was sending players off in fourballs, the mostly American and Canadian audience looked puzzled. “Fourball” in England means what we have come to call a foursome, or a grouping of four players. It pained the Brit to explain this.

After the meeting it was pool time, where I would begin the first-class suntan required of such an adventure. Later, I engaged in another part of the warmup process: shooting clay pigeons off the stern. Thought it might loosen up the old left shoulder. I didn’t hit a single target the first go-round, an exhibition of expertise that blends oh-so-perfectly with my golf game. I hit two pigeons the second time, still an embarrassing total considering that a woman in front of me, who had never held a gun, hit three.

Late that night I practiced putting in my cabin. (I brought my own clubs.) The first putt would break left across the cabin carpet, the next right, the next was uphill, the next downhill, depending on how the frisky Caribbean was pitching and yawing and rolling the Monarch’s massive hull.

Day Two, Martinique

Fort-de-France is a tattered town, made more graceless and grimy by a gray, misty sky. About 14 of the original 40 Golf Ahoylics assembled in front of the shore excursion desk at 7:30 a.m.

We marched to a lower deck to exit the ship and there stood John Lennon. John Lennon is actually Jim Riddle, who is John Lennon in the astonishing Beatlemania group Rain. Rain had given a sensational performance in the ship’s Song of Music Theatre the night before. I just had to play with John Lennon.

I introduced myself; Riddle introduced me to the group’s technician, Randy Kuehn; and we were an instant threesome.

It’s a 45-minute ride to Golf de la Martinique, the first part through the busy streets of Fort-de-France. Mercifully, the second part is through some rather gorgeous countryside. I knew nothing of this course, laid out by Robert Trent Jones, one of the world’s top course designers. It turned out to be one of the finest courses I’ve ever played, and though it lacks some in conditioning, it’s perfectly playable for the average golfer while being perfectly challenging in the process.

The course slides up and down the hillside and around the bay. The green sites are marvelously natural. The 16th hole is a Trent Jones classic, a par five that sweeps around the bay. There isn’t a weak hole on the course.

The Riddler, Randy and I, along with Bob Maguire from New Jersey, were an amiable, if inept fourball. And if Randy ever tells you he’s an 18 handicap, tell him you’re the Empress Josephine, who once ruled this island where Golf de la Martinique rises and falls.

Day Three, Barbados

I cheated. I didn’t play Sandy Lane, the traditional Barbados course that was offered by the Golf Ahoy program. Instead, I went to play Royal Westmoreland Golf Club, which is part of a decidedly upscale resort community. While I’m not an expert on Caribbean golf, Royal Westmoreland is certainly in the upper class of Caribbean courses, along with Tryall on Jamaica and the courses at Dorado Beach and El Conquistador in Puerto Rico. Many of the fairways are lined with feather grass and tall wavy grasses that bow gracefully before the tropical winds. The third, fifth and sixth holes play through a quarry. The sixth green is surrounded by coral rock walls.

It was at Royal Westmoreland that I had a terrible case of sea legs. Over every putt, and virtually every tee shot, I felt myself swaying with the rhythm of the sea. I had brought my clubs and shoes with me, but left my equilibrium on the boat.

You, too, might be able to play Royal Westmoreland if you are a serious player with an established handicap and write them a nice letter explaining your interest in playing the course. It is a private club, but several hotels on Barbados, including Glitter Bay and Royal Pavilion, have playing rights.

Day Four, Antigua

Cedar Valley Golf Club was the place to skip, or so hinted the Golf Ahoy’s course description sheet. Rocky around the edges, it said. Fairways are Antiguan hay, it said. Many frustrating uphill tee shots, it said.

So maybe I’m two balls short of a dozen. I don’t care. This was the highlight of my week. This was absolutely pure golf played on the best golfing soil I’ve ever deflowered with my abysmal swing.

Golf Ahoylics did not like this course. Some quit after nine holes. Others merely whined about it at the end. Me, I can’t wait to play it again. I’d play 36 holes a day there if I could.

Cedar Valley has a great layout, no grass on the fairways (Antiguan hay comes in earth tones and has the consistency of limp crab grass) and wonderful greens. This course wasn’t designed, it was found. The Antiguan hay is pretty sparse and there are plenty of rocks.

That said, it plays hard and fast, its sandy soil perfect for a closely clipped shot. I’m sure professional players would love it if not for the rocks. I played with Paul from Portland, a Golf Ahoylic who was playing only this one day. We were joined by Hotel Bob, an Antigua tourist from Boston.

I think it was by sheer force of will that I convinced them this was a great place. They agreed the layout was great and the greens great. They hedged about my enthusiasm for the fairways. They also agreed there were some really fabulous views. I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but it is my fear that some high-powered developer will buy the place, bring in a big kahuna golf course architect and screw it up.

The Antiguans were every bit as nice as the Barbadans. St. John’s, Antigua’s capital, was the first town that I actually got to see, which is one of the drawbacks of playing golf and cruising. Golfing takes up most of the morning. You don’t get much time to mingle with the people of the islands, and that’s a shame.

Day Five, St. Martin

I thought a lot about Cedar Valley that night, even as I was battling the dealers at the Caribbean Stud Poker table. I forgot to ante up once because I was dreaming about developing a lime green ball (or maybe mango orange) to use on Cedar Valley’s blond fairways.

Now I’d heard that Mullet Bay Golf Club was a cute place to play, and I can’t deny it. But, after Cedar Valley, it was a bit pedestrian.

Here I played with Golf Ahoylic James Smith, a stockbroker and former defensive tackle for the University of Colorado. He was a delightful partner as we hacked it around the back nine, where we started. We lost about a dozen balls between us, though not our senses of humor.

We played better the second nine, which helped us enjoy the course a little more. We couldn’t help but wonder why the Mullet Bay resort, devastated by two hurricanes last year, wasn’t in the process of being restored. The golf course was the only thing functioning in the resort, which made it slightly eerie to play.

Day Six, St. Thomas

I should have known from the bus ride. There were 11 Golf Ahoylics playing this last day in St. Thomas. We boarded an open-air bus and took the most memorable of our land journeys, climbing up the slopes of mountains with some dicey gear shifts spicing up the ride.

The ride was a portent of the golf. Golf on St. Thomas is played at Mahogany Run, whose 14th hole is one of the most photographed in the world with its tee and green cut into the mountain side above the roiling sea.

The problem with Mahogany Run is that it’s all climbs and descents over land that wasn’t meant to be a golf course. There are lies only a goat would be comfortable with. There are holes with no apparent fairways and the greens are so small they wouldn’t cover your dining room floor.

The 14th hole is at the apex of three holes known as the Devil’s Triangle. Actually they are like playing the game in a pinball machine. It’s what Mahogany Run is famous for and first-time players get a bag towel or some other little gift if they play these three holes without losing a ball. None of us got the gift.

But let’s face it. Being disappointed by a golf course during a Caribbean cruise is akin to being ticked off at having to share in a Lotto jackpot.

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GUIDEBOOK

Slice of the Action

The Monarch of the Seas: Operated by Royal Caribbean Cruises Ltd.; telephone (800) 327-6700. Offers seven-day Caribbean cruises all year, round trip from San Juan, Puerto Rico. Rates (per person, double occupancy): $810-$4,060. Air fare not included. Golf Ahoy! program allows pre-booking of courses and guarantees tee times. Rates for each excursion range $64-$103. Round-trip transportation included.

Some other cruise lines with golf packages: Seawind Cruise Line, tel. (800) 223-1877. Caribbean trips year-round. Golf tour package $395 extra, includes six courses, greens fees and transportion. American Hawaii, tel. (800) 765-7000. Numerous Hawaiian Islands cruises. Offers pre-booking of courses and tee times. Golf fees extra. Princes Cruises, tel. (800) 568 3262. Caribbean, Mexican Riviera and South Pacific cruises offer pre-booking aboard ship for courses and tee times. Golf fees extra.