Punch Lines

Top o’ the tube: Sunday night we got to see the very best that television has to offer, says Jerry Perisho. “Then, when those Michael Jordan commercials were over, they went back to the Emmys.”

* “Emmys in both the best actress and best supporting actress categories in drama went to now-canceled shows. Of course, if those winners don’t return to work within two years, the government gets to take away their awards.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “The whole cast of ‘Friends’ showed up and immediately demanded better seats.” (Paul Ecker)

* “Winning for best actress in a courtroom drama was Hillary Clinton, for her stellar work in ‘The Ex-Files.’ ” (Pearlstein)

* “After winning best drama series, the cast of ‘ER’ was seen passing around an IV full of champagne.” (Ecker)

* “It was the same old story for the cast of ‘Baywatch’--they went home empty-headed.” (Alan Ray)

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In the news: Whitewater defendant Susan McDougal is going to jail rather than rat on the Clintons. Says Argus Hamilton, “She says she’s sacrificing for what she believes is right. Ladies and gentlemen, Joan of Arkansas!”

Good news for Republicans last week, says Dino Londis. Two top officials were ousted from the Bob Dole campaign. “The bad news? Dole wasn’t one of them.”

One thing we learned from Hurricane Fran, says Londis: “God is not a smoker.”

* Adds Hamilton, “The next major hurricane is named Hortense. Gosh, that sounds likea hooker with a headache. The White House is already estimating the damage to range from 150 to 200 dollars an hour.”

Raleigh, N.C., school officials have banned the Macarena, saying it’s too provocative. Says Bill Williams, “They noted that the Democrats opened their convention with it, and look what happened to Dick Morris.”

A new book says O.J. was told about the not-guilty verdict a day early by jail guards. Says Hamilton, “Hollywood is very upset. Price Waterhouse wasn’t supposed to let anybody know who won until Judge Ito opened the envelope.”

Did you see all the rain at the U.S. Open finals? asks Alex Kaseberg. “Apparently Flushing Meadows is the most appropriately named place in the world . . . next to Pittsburgh.”

Oprah Winfrey’s new book tells how she managed to lose 85 pounds. Says Bob Mills, “Oprah once lost 185 pounds of ugly fat in a single day: She fired her agent.”

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Reader William Kitchen of Los Angeles says granddaughter Melinda, 6, attended church with her mother. The preacher’s topic was “From dust we come, to dust we go.” Later, at home, Melinda came running to her mother and said:

“Mom! Come look under the bed! I think someone’s coming or someone’s going.”