Punch Lines

Rising to debate: Bob Dole is accusing Bill Clinton of not sticking to his platform. Says Steve Tatham, “At least he hasn’t fallen off it.”

The president plans to sign a bill authorizing the sale of government stocks of helium. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “So that’s how he’s controlling inflation.”

Al Gore told parents in New Jersey that he and the president are cleaning up television. Says Argus Hamilton, “Gore and Clinton look at life differently. One night they were watching ‘Baywatch’ together and Gore couldn’t believe the water pollution.”

The president signed a proclamation declaring this National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Says Hamilton, “He’s in trouble now. In Santa Monica, Judge Fujisaki may cite him for violating the gag order.”

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In the news: The serial killer known as the “Night Stalker” got married last week on death row:

* “And I’m left wondering, ‘Where is he registered?’ ” (Bonnie Cheeseman)

* “The bride wanted someone tall, dark and heinous.” (Marty Rubman)

* “There wasn’t a dry eye in the room when he tossed the manacle that had been around the bride’s thigh and Charlie Manson caught it.” (Casey K. Lieberson)

* “To his credit, the ‘Night Stalker’ said he’s willing to settle down, change his lifestyle. In fact, he’s looking for a day stalking job.” (Jay Leno)

* “What a couple of crazy dreamers! Someday they hope to have a cute little house on Death Lane.” (Hamilton)

* “Since he’s on death row, he can’t have sex with his new wife or even talk to her much. It’s like they’ve been married for years.” (Alan Ray)

Because 60% of Baltimore’s 911 calls turned out to be nonemergencies, authorities started a 311 line for less dire problems such as lost pets and noisy neighbors. Says the Olympia Daily World, “And soon they’ll add a ‘12-12-12’ line, for people who need help setting their VCRs.”

A company in British Columbia has come up with an electrical device that will train your pet to stay off the couch. Says Steve Voldseth, “Now if they could just come up with one that works on husbands.”

A boycott by umpires would be truly historic, points out Mark Gonzales. “Never before has a called strike resulted in a walk.”

M&Ms; candies are being made in several new colors, including teal green, dark pink and light orange. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “A company spokesman said, ‘We got a great deal on Dennis Rodman’s leftover hair dyes.’ ”

* Adds the Funny Scheet, “A new commercial spot has the M&Ms; telling an interviewer they did not get their jobs because of affirmative action.”

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Reader Catherine Bruhn of Hawthorne and son Joshua, 7, were making the first of many stops to inspect Halloween costumes and props. In a drug store aisle, he grabbed a plastic scythe, pointed to a hooded death mask and announced:

“I want to be the Dim Creeper!”