Punch Lines

No child of mine . . . In a recent survey, 63% of parents said they would not want their child to grow up to become president of the United States:

* “They would much prefer them to become president of Microsoft.” (Joe Kevany)

* “They’re holding out for real power . . . being the president’s spouse.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “You know what this means . . . Bob Dole in 2012!” (Alex Pearlstein)

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In the news: ABC broadcast Diane Sawyer’s interview with Mark Fuhrman last night on “PrimeTime Live.” Says Paul Ecker, “Funny, I thought ‘Dangerous Minds’ was on Mondays.”

* Adds Kevany, “Fuhrman insists he is not a racist, though he admits he needs to find some new terms of endearment.”

* Adds Ecker, “The interview was all about the ‘N-word’ . . . Nielsens.”

The latest book about the O.J. case, “An American Tragedy,” claims Robert Kardashian, Johnnie Cochran and other defense team members became convinced of Simpson’s guilt by the end of the trial. Says Cutler, “About the same time his checks began bouncing.”

In Massachusetts, a dog saved three people from a house fire by licking one man’s face until he woke up. Says Jimmy McConnell, “Unfortunately, the dog’s breath knocked the man right back out and the dog had to start all over.”

* Adds Premiere Morning Sickness, “The dog was later punished when it was discovered he had been smoking in bed.”

Finally, a decent explanation of why that woman was so eager to marry serial killer Richard Ramirez. Says Pat Cieslak, “It appears she misunderstood her mother’s advice. Mom didn’t tell her to ‘marry a Night Stalker,’ she said ‘marry a nice doctor.’ ”

Texas police are investigating the disappearance of famed atheist Madalyn Murray O’Hair. Sings Cutler, “O’Hair, O’Hair has our atheist gone? O’Hair, O’Hair can she beeeeee?”

The city of Jackpot, Nev., acquired 30 acres from the federal government. Says Jerry Perisho, “For you folks who don’t know where Jackpot is, most people go through Heartbreak and Bankruptcy, then run out of money just before they get there.”

The Mars candy company is coming out with M&Ms; in green, pink and orange. Says Steve Voldseth, “Like I don’t get enough of those colors watching old movies on TBS.”

Says Premiere, “People are saying Madonna’s performance in ‘Evita’ is so cheesy, they may rename the film ‘Velveeta.’ ”

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Reader Pete Xander of Lake Arrowhead says daughter Kristen, 4, has a pretty good understanding of the biomechanics of the birds and the bees but was a little unclear on the role of seed and eggs. He explained that Daddy’s seed is like pollen from the trees. She replied:

“So, what your saying is that the baby has to sneeze all day?”