Pitching Campaigns to ‘Soccer Moms’

* Re “A New Low: Pandering to ‘Soccer Moms,’ ” by Robert Scheer, Column Left, Oct. 8: The Pennsylvania Avenue pollsters who polluted this campaign forgot a few things:

* Soccer moms don’t think that Uncle Bill’s “curfew” notion for their kids represents less government.

* Soccer moms have brown and black soccer mom friends (minivan and all!) who can instantly decipher white, male, middle-class code words.

* Soccer moms know that “just don’t do it” doesn’t work even for one second with just the cookie jar, to say nothing about pot.

* 10% of all soccer moms have a little gay kid in the back of the minivan--and they know it well before the rest of us. In the middle of the night, they secretly cry, knowing that society will never allow their little soccer kid to marry and love like other soccer kids.

* Soccer moms are insulted by the V-chip idea. They know how to turn off or unplug a simple television set without the president’s assistance.

* Soccer moms would love to chitchat at soccer games with Bob’s first wife and Bill’s girlfriends.

* Lastly, soccer moms are dismayed by their uncanny resemblance to Susan McDougal. Bob’s party put her in leg irons and handcuffs and Bill says “no comment.”

In actual reality, as opposed to virtual reality, the pollsters should probably advise their candidates to steer clear of soccer moms!

LYNNE HAGERUP

Hollywood