Anything but Apple Pie

It hasn’t been easy for me, going through life with an immense dislike for the most famous American dessert in the world. People regard me with great suspicion, and I’ve always felt like a complete outcast, as if I should move to Antarctica or something.

As a child I remember my grandmother bursting through the kitchen door one afternoon, a steaming double-crust apple pie cradled in potholders, and the family gathering around this thing like vultures on a ripe carcass and Nana saying to me, “It’s fresh from the oven! There is no better dessert than this!” and everyone chanting “Fresh from the oven, fresh from the oven” like brainwashed victims of some apple cult.

So I cut the tip of my piece with my fork and set it on my tongue . . . and have this sudden urge to return it to the plate. No thrill. Not one single “Mmmm” comes to mind. I leave them to their feeding frenzy and retreat to my room, longing for a chocolate bar.

Later, I grow up and there are waiters with dessert carts who say, “I highly recommend the fresh apple pie a la mode. It’s to die for.”

On one particular occasion, the waiter went around the table to get the dessert orders from a group of us. The responses were: “Pie for me.” “Make that two.” “Sounds great, I shouldn’t, but I will.”

Then he gets to me.

“Just give me the mode,” I tell him.

There are the aunts, the co-workers, the bakers, the party hosts, the welcome wagon, the neighbors at my backdoor, all shoving these unwanted pies in my face. They’re everywhere. I’ve suffered a lifetime of this. And just so you know, I hate apple pie.

Please understand, I do like apples. Come fall, I’m the first one to run out and buy a basket of McIntoshes. I keep Granny Smiths in the fridge so they’re cold and tart and crisp. Nothing prettier than a flawless Golden Delicious, I say.

But just give it to me plain, to complement a sandwich. Making an apple pie is like taking a perfectly good health food and turning it into a splurge. And if I’m going to invest precious calories in a splurge, it’d better be something worthwhile, like chocolate or caramel.

And so, to all those I have offended in my life, please accept my apology in the form of some apple pie recipes I invented that even I can choke down. They’re not half bad.

APPLE SHOOFLY PIE

Here’s a pie full of chunks of Red Delicious apples, bathed in molasses and mixed with a buttery brown sugar crumb mixture.

1/4 cup butter, cut into chunks

1 cup flour

1/3 cup brown sugar, packed

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon ground ginger

1/4 teaspoon ground cloves

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/3 cup molasses

1/3 cup boiling water

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

2 large Red Delicious apples, peeled, cored and coarsely chopped

1 (9-inch) unbaked pie shell

Process butter, flour, brown sugar, cinnamon, ginger, cloves and salt in food processor until mixture resembles coarse meal.

Dissolve molasses in boiling water in large bowl. Stir in baking soda. Add about 2/3 of crumb mixture and chopped apples and mix until crumbs are moistened. Spoon into crust. Sprinkle remaining crumb mixture on top. Bake at 375 degrees 40 minutes or until filling is set.

Makes 6 servings.

Each serving contains about:

505 calories; 286 mg sodium; 21 mg cholesterol; 25 grams fat; 66 grams carbohydrates; 5 grams protein; 0.39 gram fiber.

CARAMEL APPLE-PECAN PIE

Your thoughts just might drift to a country fair as you bite into this apple pie, teeming with chewy caramel bits and crunchy pecans.

Pastry for 2-crust (9-inch) pie

4 McIntosh apples (about 1 pound), peeled, cored and thinly sliced

1/2 cup chopped pecans

1/4 cup sugar

1/4 pound caramels (12 to 14 pieces), unwrapped and coarsely chopped

2 tablespoons flour

1/4 cup milk

Additional milk and sugar for topping

Ease 1 round of pastry into 9-inch pie pan.

Toss together apples, pecans, sugar, caramels, flour and milk in large bowl. Spoon mixture into pie shell. Top with remaining crust. Fold edge of top pastry under bottom pastry. Pinch together and flute. Cut several slits in top. Brush with milk and sprinkle with sugar.

Bake at 375 degrees until crust is golden brown, about 45 minutes. Pie is best served slightly warm.

Makes 6 servings.

Each serving contains about:

628 calories; 245 mg sodium; 1 mg cholesterol; 35 grams fat; 75 grams carbohydrates; 7 grams protein; 0.74 gram fiber.

GRANNY SMITH CHOCOLATE-OATMEAL PIE

4 eggs

1 cup sugar

2 tablespoons flour

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/8 teaspoon salt

2 tablespoons butter, melted

1/2 cup light corn syrup

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 cup old-fashioned rolled oats

2 Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored and chopped

1/2 cup semisweet chocolate chips

1 (9-inch) unbaked pie shell

Beat eggs in large bowl until frothy.

Mix together sugar, flour, cinnamon and salt in separate small bowl. Stir into eggs until blended. Add butter, corn syrup and vanilla and mix well. Fold in oats, apples and chocolate chips. Spoon into pie shell.

Bake at 350 degrees until pie is set, about 1 hour and 10 minutes. Let cool before cutting.

Makes 6 servings.

Each serving contains about:

706 calories; 250 mg sodium; 152 mg cholesterol; 30 grams fat; 93 grams carbohydrates; 10 grams protein; 0.47 gram fiber.

GOLDEN APPLE CUSTARD PIE

1 tablespoon butter, softened

1 (9-inch) unbaked pie shell

2 large Golden Delicious apples, unpeeled, cored and sliced

3 eggs

1 1/2 cups milk

1/2 cup half and half

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/2 cup sugar

1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg

1/2 teaspoon salt

Brush butter over bottom of pie shell. Arrange apple slices in pan in overlapping pinwheel design.

Beat eggs, milk, half and half, vanilla and all but 2 teaspoons sugar in large bowl. Carefully spoon mixture over apples. Mix reserved 2 teaspoons sugar with nutmeg and salt and sprinkle on top.

Place pie in roasting pan and place on rack in oven. Pour boiling water to reach halfway up sides of pie. Bake at 400 degrees 40 minutes. Reduce heat to 300 degrees and bake until custard is set, about 20 minutes more. Cool completely before cutting.

Makes 6 servings.

Each serving contains about:

455 calories; 385 mg sodium; 123 mg cholesterol; 25 grams fat; 49 grams carbohydrates; 9 grams protein; 0.32 gram fiber.