THE JAUNDICE EYE

Verbatim transcripts from America’s hottest political debates of years past.

Aaron Burr-Alexander Hamilton, 1804

B: Bang!

H: Bang!

James Madison-De Witt Clinton, 1812

C: My learned friend, Mr. Madison, I observe, has had a street in New York City named after him.

M: Aye, sir, and ‘tis an honor.

C: Mayhap, good citizens, you should know Madison’s Avenue as I do. ‘Tis infested with slippery agents in gray flannel britches who would fair drive us mad, peddling wooden-teeth soaps and such nostrums. I call them hidden persuaders. A pox!

M: The estimable Mr. Clinton wanders off the Great Issues.

C: But hold! ‘Tis the Issue of Issues that our president should truckle with hucksters!

M: Better hucksters, my estimable colleague, than barmaids! The huckster spreads prosperity. The barmaid, only disease!

Abraham Lincoln-Stephen A. Douglas,

1860

D: One elevates the political discourse by standing tall for--

L: Indeed, and in the case of Mr. Douglas, with the aid of elevator shoes!

D: The distinguished ectomorph refers, I believe, to a medical condition that I--

L: Verily, a runt complex not unknown to Napoleon and other born midgets. Perhaps this explains Mr. Douglas’ political shortsightedness!

Ulysses S. Grant-Horace Greeley, 1872

H.G.: Any man is entitled to imbibe now and then, but Mr. Grant here never takes a pause!

U.G.: “Find what Gen. Grant drinks, and send all my other generals a barrel.” A great American said that. And better for the Republican a smart drunk than a sober dunderhead, I say.

H.G.: Mr. Grant’s administration has been irrevocably tainted by scandal and malfeasance most odoriferous.

U.G.: Whereas, Mr. Greeley’s claim to fame is having once said, “Go West, young man.” Why not “Go soak your head”? Speaking of soak, I’m thirsty.

William Jennings Bryan-William

Howard Taft, 1908

T: My fellow Americans, this great nation has outgrown its frontier mentality.

B: And Mr. Taft has outgrown his pants, his vest and his house.

T: I see an America where far Alaska and even the Hawaiian Islands will one day apply for statehood.

B: If my opponent grows any fatter, he should apply for statehood.

T: Personal insults aside, I believe myself to be fit for the White House.

B: But first, you must fit into the White House!

Warren G. Harding-John W. Davis,

1920

H: America should lead, even in the heavens, I promise to send a bill to the Senate funding an ambitious airship-building program to begin--

D: America has quite enough gas bags already.

H: And another bill, to develop our helium resources--

D: A wasteful and unnecessary measure. Just trap the hot air in this room!