In a Word, the Series Is Downright Chipper

Some thoughts about the World Series, so far:

--Andruw Jones’ favorite team: the Bruwers.

--Andruw Jones’ favorite soda: Mountain Duw.

--Andruw Jones’ favorite film: “A Fuw Good Men.”

--Andruw Jones’ favorite Brave: Hunk Aaron.

--Question: Why does the visiting team keep doing so well?

Answer: Well, did you notice that the Yankees and Braves have been affected by the designated-hitter rule . . . in exactly the opposite way experts expected?

The stupid DH rule hurt the wrong team.

In the American League team’s house, Atlanta got to use Andruw Jones and Ryan Klesko and Fred McGriff, who, if you ask me, are three of the team’s top five hitters. (Chipper Jones and Javier Lopez being the others.)

This gave the Braves deep pitching and hitting, rather than only deep pitching.

Ah, but in the National League team’s house, Atlanta must bench either Klesko or the hottest kid in the game, Andruw “The Big Hert” Jones.

And when Klesko finally goes in, either Jones or McGriff must come out.

Whereas, the very deep Yankees can pinch-hit again and again, coming off the bench with hitter after hitter.

Look at Game 4. On the New York bench sat Wade Boggs, Paul O’Neill, Tino Martinez, Jim Leyritz, Luis Sojo and Mike Aldrete, six fair-to-excellent hitters. With no DH rule in the Atlanta park, pinch-hitters had incredible value.

Now, look back at the two Yankee Stadium games.

In theory, this should have been a boon to the Yankees, with nine strong bats against John Smoltz and Greg Maddux.

Instead, most of Joe Torre’s pinch-hitters were useless. Why send up a right-hander like Cecil Fielder or Charlie Hayes when you’ve already got a qualified left-handed hitter up there to face right-handed pitching? (Including the Atlanta bullpen’s.)

The DH rule handcuffed the Yankee bench.

What does this tell us?

It tells us that the DH rule is an evil thing, invented by Satan, and must be destroyed.

--Andruw Jones’ boss: Tud Terner.

--Andruw’s boss’ wife: Jane Fondu.

--Ryan Klesko’s fans: Kleskomaniacs.

--Quote I expect to hear from Kenny Rogers’ boss: “You hold him, I’ll fold him.”

--Is it an accident New York’s team won all their road playoff games, away from those delightfully wacky Bronx fans who run onto the field every pitch or two?

You know there’s a problem when George Steinbrenner is the best-behaved man in your park.

That 12-year-old Munchkin who interfered with the Baltimore game is the last New York fan to actually help the Yankees this season. And at least that brat sat in his seat.

--I hear the Yankees led the league in stolen bases. But they are asking fans to please return them, no questions asked.

--Thursday night’s game was the last one at Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium, ever. Good.

--I figure by Monday, it’ll either be a Starbucks, a Blockbuster or a Boston Market.

--Andruw Jones’ favorite Yankee: Bube Ruth.

--How old does a man have to be before he stops calling himself Chipper?

--Let’s go ask former President Jim Carter.