Maybe They Can Play at the Fabulous Parlor

Downey’s California:

--Nick Van Exel got a tattoo of a dog. Shaquille O’Neal has a “Superman” tattoo. Coach Del Harris even got a tattoo of his own. These aren’t the Los Angeles Lakers any more. They’re the Los Angeles Sailors.

--I wonder if Vlade Divac will get a tattoo of a hornet.

--The NBA season opens the night after Halloween. I hope Dennis Rodman remembers to take his costume off. It’s hard playing ball in those heels.

--I would ring Roberto Alomar’s doorbell on Thursday, but I’d be afraid he would ask, “Trick or treat?”

--You know, between Baltimore’s second baseman and New York’s fans, I’ll take my chances with Albert Belle.

--Roger Clemens is applying for free agency. The Angels won’t want him. He pitches right-handed.

--Ted Turner’s goofy hat during Game 5 put him in a tie with Marge Schott, who once wore a St. Bernard cap with dog ears, for Funniest Hat Ever Worn By An Owner, at one apiece.

--I like George Steinbrenner’s turtleneck. He looks like a lounge act.

--OK, so “Damn Yankees” is a musical best known for a song called “You Gotta Have Heart.” And OK, so Joe Torre’s brother, Frank, just got a new heart. You think this is fate? You think this is sweet? OK, me too.

--I’ll take Fox over NBC for every World Series from now on, because, and I know this is a small point, the thing is, they tell me the score!

--Tim McCarver, you’re too shy. Speak up.

--Glad my boss didn’t send me to Ireland for that game between Notre Dame and Navy. You put Irish people like me, Fighting Irish football players and Midshipmen in the same place at the same time, man, there won’t be a dry glass in the house.

--If it loses to Navy and Air Force in the same season, Notre Dame will probably schedule Coast Guard.

--I can’t wait for USC-UCLA, to see if either team finishes above .500.

--Damn. I’m free this weekend, and no Major League Soccer game.

--Surprised to hear the Kings got rid of Petr Klima. I didn’t know they had Petr Klima.

--The Mighty Ducks began the season 1-7-2. In the NHL, this should get them into the playoffs.

--I hear Sugar Ray Leonard might begin his comeback against Thomas “Hit Man? I Can’t Even See You, Man” Hearns, or against “Marvelous? The Only Thing Marvelous Is My Health Insurance Is Paid Up” Marvin Hagler.

--The winner gets Jake LaMotta.

--According to Tommy Morrison, anyone anxious about attending his next fight in Tokyo should “sit in the fourth row.” I believe this could include the referee.

--George Foreman is also fighting in Tokyo. His only problem is how to use chopsticks on cheeseburgers.

--David Robinson is hurt. The San Antonio Spurs without Robinson, now here’s a team the Clippers could whip.

--This just in: Utah will be led by Karl Malone and John Stockton this season. Sounds pretty radical.

--Of the horses set to run in the Distaff race at the Breeders’ Cup, one was called Mysteriously, another was Different. Sounds like the distaff types I run with.

--The big Cowboy-Dolphin NFL game sounds so interesting, some TV network should interview the players.

--Jimmy, Barry, Jerry, Jimmy, Barry, Jerry, Jimmy, Barry, Jerry. Blah, blah, blah.

--Dick Enberg, you’re the best, so please take this as helpful when I tell you that the Miami player’s surname is “Abdul-Jabbar,” and not “Jabbar.” (Kareem had the same problem.)

--I see the Indianapolis Colts might move to Cleveland. I guess that means the Ravens would move to Indiana.

--When the NFL makes it legal to jump before the snap and to tackle after the whistle, the Raiders will go 16-0.

--Jack Tatum has a new book out, “I’ll Do Anything to Sell a Book” (Random Violence, $24.95).

--Pitchers and catchers report to spring training in 15 weeks.