Punch Lines
Tick, tick, tick . . . Daylight saving time ended over the weekend. Says Jay Leno, “We gained an hour. Or, as Dole supporters call it, prolonged the agony.”
* Adds Hy Faber, “Bet you spent that extra hour looking for your VCR manual to reset the clock. I’ve got mine flashing 11:00 . . . 11:00 . . . 11:00. . . .”
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In the news: Hillary Clinton celebrated her 49th birthday on Saturday. Says Faber, “The White House had a big party for her. They played Pin-Whitewater-on-Hillary and they even had a pinata filled with Indonesian cash.”
* Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Bill looked all over town to find the perfect card to go with that pardon.”
Dole’s campaign asked Ross Perot to drop out of the race. Says Bill Maher, “Perot said, ‘I’d have to be crazy to do that.’ They took that as a yes.”
* Adds Vince Vieceli, “In another sign of desperation, Dole asked Jack Kevorkian to knock off only Democrats.”
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The E! cable channel is staging reenactments of the O.J. Simpson civil trial based on court transcripts:
* “They have actors pretending to be lawyers and O.J. pretending to be innocent.” (Jenny Church)
* “O.J. offered to play himself, but they wanted someone more believable.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)
* “An actor is pretending to be O.J. Simpson--now there’s a switch.” (Argus Hamilton)
Congress vows to investigate the CIA’s involvement in drug trafficking. Says Alan Ray, “This comes at a time when the agency is downsizing. Recently they had to lay off four dictators.”
At a clinic in Arizona, coffee addicts facing surgery can get caffeine in their IV drip. Says Church, “Select the house blend or Mocha Plasma.”
* Adds Leno, “The best part of waking up is Folger’s in your arm.”
Designer Giorgio Armani will go to jail for 20 days for bribing Italian tax authorities:
* “The fashion guru will begin his stay in a splashy solid-orange jumpsuit. Stenciled numbering provides an accent, accessorized with chains. After sundown, it’s a switch to horizontal stripes that say ‘incarceration’ with a flair!” (Olympia Daily World)
* “While waiting to make bail, Armani was approached by a beefy convict who asked, ‘Does this jumpsuit make my hips look too big?’ ” (Premiere)
* “The government had to go after him with criminal charges rather than civil litigation. Armani suits are just too expensive.” (Ray)
The new Stephen King horror movie, “Thinner,” is about a guy who can’t stop losing weight. Says Olympia, “Hey, if he was female he’d get a million-dollar contract doing Calvin Klein ads.”
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Reader Leslie Soukup of Seal Beach says all through preschool daughter Cathy, 5, played quite happily with both girls and boys. In kindergarten, however, the kids began to separate along gender lines. Cathy’s parents realized what the problem was one day when she asked, in all seriousness:
“Mommy, when I get married will my husband have cooties?”