Coaches Don’t Feel So Merry

Buddy Ryan got it a year ago--a gift-wrapped pink slip one day after Christmas.

Rumors had been flying of his demise but Ryan, the former Arizona Cardinal head coach, says now, “It was a complete surprise. I just didn’t think it would happen.”

Will Wayne Fontes be surprised? Rich Brooks? June Jones?

Rich Kotite? He didn’t wait for the locks to be changed. He announced Friday he will quit after the New York Jets’ final game so he can tell everyone later he was not fired.

“It’s just unbelievable the guy was hired in the first place,” said Ryan, caught on a break while working on his Kentucky farm. “Think about how many good coaches get fired and the sorry [ones] who don’t.”

If all the speculation is true, this could rival the aftermath of the 1991 season when nine coaches were told there would be no need to review postseason videotape.

Consider Bill Parcells of the New England Patriots. His team already has won the AFC East Division title, could wrap up home-field advantage in the first round of the playoffs today with a victory, and might be looking elsewhere because owner Bob Kraft has been gradually siphoning Parcells’ power in regards to personnel.

“Write what you want,” Parcells told reporters this week. “I’m not saying anything, OK? You got it straight? I’m saying nothing. Period. And no disrespect intended.”

Then, as he left his news conference, Parcells said, “How does anybody know what’s going to happen when I don’t know what’s going to happen?”

The New York Giants’ Dan Reeves, the winningest active coach in the NFL and 10th all-time, is guessing he will be cleaning out his office next week, but it’s an educated guess.

“I kind of get a sense of things when I walk around and feel like I’ve got leprosy or something,” Reeves said. “It gives you an idea something is going on.”

There already have been reports that Jim Fassel, Arizona offensive coordinator, will be the Giants’ next head coach, and he has been lining up assistant coaches for his staff.

Ram President John Shaw has told the St. Louis media he will have a decision on Brooks’ future before Christmas. Ho, ho, ho--wonder what it could be?

Jones in Atlanta, Fontes in Detroit and Rick Venturi in New Orleans also should be gone before the eggnog is poured.

“I’ve never been fired,” Fontes said in uttering the quote of the year. “I don’t know what it’s like. Maybe I’ll find out.”

There have been reports that Joe Gibbs, who rejected a five-year, $10-million offer to coach the Falcons before Jones was hired, has been offered the job again. And rejected it again. They should have offered him a race car.

New Orleans already has asked John Madden and Bart Starr to serve as advisors in finding a new coach. That would indicate the Saints’ new coach will have Raider ties (Madden) and will be a bust as a head coach (Starr).

There have been reports that Dallas owner Jerry Jones will fire Barry Switzer and that Marty Schottenheimer might be ready to move from Kansas City and make another team dull and just good enough to lose in the playoffs. Chief General Manager Carl Peterson might leave too and join with former Saint Coach Jim Mora to work in St. Louis or Seattle. That would not be good for Seattle’s Dennis Erickson.

Dennis Green was going to be replaced by Lou Holtz in Minnesota, but the Vikings keep winning, so now Holtz is rumored as Switzer’s replacement. All Ron Powlus cares about is that Holtz won’t be back to Notre Dame.

Parcells so far has been linked to both the Giants and the Jets, and Atlanta, and New Orleans, and he will probably just stay in New England. Joe Bugel was the hot choice to replace Mike White in Oakland, but Bugel apparently flunked an Al Davis loyalty test when he signed on and almost left to take another job, so Bugel might be out in Oakland. Bobby Beathard and Bobby Ross will meet Monday in San Diego, and Dean Spanos should lock the door and not let them leave without an agreement keeping Ross with the Chargers.

Ray Rhodes is unhappy in Philadelphia with his personnel people, but he is always unhappy, which makes Rhodes and Ricky Watters a great pair of pouters. Offensive coordinator Marc Trestman will be asked to be the 49ers’ scapegoat, and defensive coordinator Ron Lynn will take the fall in Washington for the Redskins’ collapse.

Right now it’s looking like Fassel to the Giants, 49er defensive coordinator Pete Carroll to the Rams, and how about Michigan State’s Nick Saban to Detroit, Rusty Tillman to the Jets, Holtz to the Cowboys, and if Ross and Beathard split, how about Northwestern’s Gary Barnett in San Diego?

Like Parcells says, right now, who knows?

Green Bay offensive coordinator Sherman Lewis and Philadelphia defensive coordinator Emmitt Thomas also have been mentioned prominently, although Thomas’ defense has damaged his promotion prospects recently.

The two expansion coaches are not only safe but due for a raise, and Bruce Coslet received a four-year contract to keep coaching the Bengals after replacing David Shula earlier this season.

“They should have made that decision three years ago,” Ryan said of Shula. “Good God, nobody gets that kind of chance.

“Listen, the guy who made the greatest move of them all this year was Jim Mora, who got out of there before all those losses went on to his record. A smart guy.”

Given all the anticipated movement after this season, there still has been no mention of Ryan’s name. Shoot, Mike Ditka has been rumored a possibility in New Orleans.

“I would think they would be out there begging for a proven guy,” Ryan said. “But my telephone hasn’t rung.”

BACK TO NEW ORLEANS?

The Jets will have the No. 1 pick in the draft, but they have a $25-million quarterback in Neil O’Donnell, probably leaving Tennessee quarterback Peyton Manning for the team with the second-worst record in the league.

You see what’s coming here. . . . Archie Manning, Peyton’s dad, played for New Orleans and had a wretched career because of the Saints’ woes.

If the Saints and the Falcons tie for the second-worst record in the league--the Saints would select ahead of Atlanta in the draft.

GOOD LUCK

Stan Gelbaugh could start for an injured Rick Mirer for Seattle. Gelbaugh hasn’t started a game since 1992. His record as an NFL starter: 0-11.

EXTRA POINTS

--Carolina has had fewer penalties than its opponent in 19 consecutive games.

--With one touchdown against Detroit, San Francisco wide receiver Jerry Rice will have 1,000 points in his career--he is already the highest-scoring non-kicker in league history.

--Ram rookie quarterback Tony Banks has an NFL-record 21 fumbles--nine the result of botched snaps from center.

--When the Rams played at New Orleans, Chicago and Atlanta recently they drew a combined 97,904 fans leaving 105,260 empty seats.

--The Buccaneers are 5-18 in NFC Central Division games since 1994, 13-11 in non-division games. Didn’t know those Lions and Bears could be so tough.

STAT OF THE YEAR

Carolina has given up only 13 points in the second half of the seven games played in Ericsson Stadium this season.

PRICE FOR MESSING UP

Curtis Whitley failed to stick with the Chargers because of a drinking problem, but he caught on with Carolina, started at center in the team’s first 24 games and became one of the team’s best performers. And then he received a four-week suspension in November for violating the league’s substance-abuse policy.

He has been back for a while, but the Panthers are ignoring him.

“I’m nonexistent,” Whitley said. “I might as well not be here.”

Frank Garcia is now the Panthers’ center and will remain so because Carolina has done nothing but win.

“It’s somewhat frustrating,” Whitley said. “Right now, I’m just trying to feed the family. That’s the most important thing. If I ain’t playing, I ain’t playing. It ain’t like I can’t go play for somebody else. I’m a good player, and I always will be as long as I continue to play. I want to play.

“Obviously, with the NFL drug program, which I don’t really agree with a whole lot. . . . I can’t say a whole lot about that. I’m obviously a liability. If something else happens, I’m gone for a year.”

Whitley signed a three-year, $4.5-million contract during the off-season, including a $1.9-million signing bonus.

IN QUOTATIONS

--Carolina linebacker Sam Mills: “This team can make the Super Bowl. This team can win the Super Bowl.”

--Ram cornerback Todd Lyght on NFL officiating: “Players in this league, they don’t play after age 40. I think it should be the same for the refs. You know what I mean?”

--When Arizona quarterback Boomer Esiason walked out on the Cardinals, he suggested quarterback Kent Graham had gone to management asking to be the starter. Said Graham: “Honestly, I do have different feelings toward him now. That’s all I want to say right now.”

--In Arizona last week a fan held up a sign that read: “Lynn Must Go.”

Lynn, the Redskins’ defensive coordinator, said later, “I’m thinking, ‘Someone either sent the sign out here or the guy is really involved passionately in this thing.’ ”

COACH OF THE YEAR

Carolina’s Dom Capers, right?

“I think Dom Capers has done a great job, but I don’t think anyone touches what Mike Shanahan has done in such a short period of time [in Denver],” said Carmen Policy, 49ers’ president.

But Capers’ Panthers defeated Policy’s 49ers twice this season.

“I really see Mike Shanahan as being the premier candidate for coach of the year,” Policy said. “Were I voting, I would definitely hand the award to Mike Shanahan.”

MR. WARMTH

Parcells, who left the Giants after his team won the 1991 Super Bowl, returns to Giants Stadium with the Patriots to find three players whom he coached still with New York: running back Rodney Hampton, tight end Howard Cross and center Brian Williams.

Today’s game is Parcells’ first against the team he coached to two Super Bowl victories.

“You know how Bill treated young guys,” Cross said. “I got a black belt in karate because Bill was on me all the time. I would have played hard no matter who was here, but that’s the way he did things. Bill wasn’t very encouraging when he was here with me.”