PUNCH LINES

In the news: President Clinton paid a Christmas visit to Marines at Camp LeJeune, N.C. Says Bob Mills, “He reminded them of the Marine Corps motto ‘Semper Fidelis (Always Faithful)’ by flashing them the chest tattoo of it that Hillary gave him for his birthday.”

In Washington, a presidential inaugural store has opened already. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “You can buy hats, shirts, influence. . . . The ribbon-cutting ceremony was a bit of an embarrassment: None of the politicians wanted to cut the red tape.”

* Adds Alan Ray, “The commemorative license plates are nice. . . . They were handmade by Friends of Bill.”

Oprah Winfrey’s book “Make the Connection” is still on the bestseller list. Says Brian J. Hill, “Of course, this is not to be confused with Clinton’s book, ‘Make the Donation.’ ”

McDonald’s is planning to change its Big Mac and other hamburgers:

* “Good, they’ve been sitting there for hours.” (Cutler)

* “To improve the taste, in a revolutionary move, they’ll add some meat to the salt and pepper.” (Stan Kaplan)

* “So? Going to McDonald’s for the taste is like going to Vegas for the view.” (Cutler)

Food Lion sued ABC for sneaking reporters into one of the company’s grocery stores. Says Argus Hamilton, “This is the age of litigation. These days, Goldilocks would collect $10 million in damages for burning her mouth on Papa Bear’s porridge.”

The Raiders held a tickets-for-guns promotion for their fans. Says Cutler, “Actually, it happens every week: ‘Gimme your tickets--I got a gun!’ ”

Ron Brownow tells this one: A lady was Christmas shopping on Rodeo Drive. She spied a dapper older gentleman, walked up to him and said, “You know, you look just like my third husband.”

“Really?” he replied. “How many husbands have you had?”

“Two.”

“Beavis and Butt-head Do America” led the pack at the box office on opening weekend. Says Mack Dryden, “Just when the members of the Academy thought they had made up their minds.”

The new Albert Brooks film, “Mother,” opened this week. Says Alex Pearlstein, “Unfortunately, you can’t see it in a normal theater. You have to go to one of those newfangled Oedipal complexes.”

*

Reader Emilio Alfieri of Hermosa Beach was camping at Big Bear with his son Gary, 6. One chilly morning the two of them gathered up some dry pine needles and twigs and piled them on still-warm coals from the previous night’s campfire. After a minute, the kindling began to smoke. Dad leaned over and blew on the smoldering needles, which immediately burst into flames.

When he looked up, Gary was staring at him, amazed:

“Papi, you really need to brush your teeth!”