Punch Lines

In the News: NCR Corp. has unveiled a do-it-yourself grocery checkout. It lets shoppers scan and bag their goods without a cashier. Says Jerry Perisho, “To help you feel comfortable, the company installed a speaker that on every seventh item shouts, ‘Price check on 4.’ ”

Evidence of cheating on the LAPD’s lieutenant exam has been discovered. “Following the three-hour written test, a janitor discovered crib notes stuffed into a half-eaten jelly doughnut,” says Bob Mills.

Bob Dornan claims he is the victim of massive voter fraud. “Nobody has the guts to tell him that women have the vote.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

A Cincinnati grandmother was convicted for feeding other people’s parking meters. “How can we stop these criminals?” Argus Hamilton asks. “When grandmas are outlawed, only outlaws will have grandmas.”

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Arts and Entertainment: “The famed auction house Sotheby’s was accused of art smuggling,” says Mills. “Customs agents became suspicious when a passenger’s carry-on luggage turned out to be Leonardo da Vinci’s ‘The Last Supper’ disguised as a surfboard.”

In a televised interview with Barbara Walters, Mia Farrow said Woody Allen wouldn’t buy bedsheets without consulting his analyst. “He never could decide between the Care Bears and the Smurfs.” (Hamilton)

“What with ‘Twister,’ ‘Dante’s Peak’ and ‘Asteroid,’ Hollywood is running out of natural phenomena. One studio is rumored to be working on a film about a heavy dew.” (Hugh Burr)

The NAACP is protesting the portrayal of African Americans as “buffoonish” in TV sitcoms, especially on Fox, WB and UPN. The Daily Scoop has two words: “Al Bundy.”

“The 14-year-old country singer LeAnne Rimes releases her second album today. It’s called ‘The Early Years.’ What is she going to release when she’s 16?” asks the Daily Scoop. “Her long-awaited comeback album?”

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Money Matters: The Goldman lawyers believe O.J. Simpson is worth $15 million. “It’s based on possible future earnings,” says Hamilton. “For instance, Florida orange growers have offered Simpson $10 million to change his name to Snapple.”

* The defense says O.J. is $9.3 million in the red. “He’s using the accountants over at Paramount Studios,” says the Daily Scoop.

* “For some, the finding of O.J.’s liability is the good news,” says Bill Maher. “The bad news is, they are going to make ‘Naked Gun 4.’ ”

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Reader Sheila Smith says she was watching the lottery drawing on television recently. There was a problem with the sound, and a series of bleeps was heard.

“Boy,” said her 9-year-old son, “they sure are cussing a lot.”