Punch Lines

The Small Screen: “Geraldo Rivera and his brother planned to sail into the Bermuda Triangle over the weekend,” says Jimmy McConnell. “Boy, there’s a National Enquirer headline waiting to happen.”

Magic Johnson will host a syndicated talk show. “You can watch it before you retire for the night. Or, since it’s Magic’s show, retire for a little while, come back and retire again.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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Business Beat: Teamster organizers are working on McDonald’s. “Imagine, kids at McDonald’s could be Teamsters,” says Jay Leno:

“ ‘You want fries with that.’

“ ‘No thanks.’

“ ‘You don’t understand. I’m not asking if you want fries--I’m telling you.’ ”

“UPS is going to start delivering passengers,” says Steve Tatham. “And if no one is at the airport to sign for you, they’ll just shove you in the back of the truck for a week.”

A $4-million restaurant named after Elvis Presley is under construction in Memphis, Tenn. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “All entrees will come with your choice of soup, salad or amphetamines.”

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Around the Country: “Flood damage in the Midwest is high, and residents in Arkansas are cleaning up after devastating tornadoes. We in California can only wonder with amazement why people want to live in such disaster-prone areas.” (Johnny Robish)

“Newt Gingrich still hasn’t paid the $300,000 fine he owes the House Ethics Committee,” says Argus Hamilton. “They’re trying to disguise it as an illegal contribution so the committee will be forced to give it back.”

Allegations of point-shaving in the Cal State Fresno basketball program are being investigated. “Coach Jerry Tarkanian must really regret his program’s slogan: ‘A little bit of Vegas in the San Joaquin.’ ” (Alex Pearlstein)

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In Uniform: Former heavyweight champ Riddick Bowe wants another chance to join the Marines. “I think we have finally settled the question as to whether boxing causes brain damage,” says Leno.

* “Look, Riddick--this isn’t like marrying Michael Jackson. The Marines are a serious commitment.” (McConnell)

The U.S. Army is lowering its standards for new recruits. It has a new recruiting poster, says Paul Steinberg. “ ‘Be All That You Can Be . . . Even If That Isn’t Much.’ ”

* Another new slogan is, “ ‘If you can’t read this, we want you.’ ” (Leno)

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Reader George Vinovich of Camarillo was out with his son Gary, 4. Gary asked his dad to buy him a toy. Vinovich replied that he had no money.

“Why don’t you write a check, like Mommy?” Gary asked.