Punch Lines

In the News: President Clinton has proposed free TV time for candidates. “Not good,” says Paul Ecker. “This could mean Sonny Bono back on television.”

After flooding, life is slowly returning to normal on the Ohio River. “Resorts are reporting they have rooms available,” says the Olympia Daily World. “However, some assembly is required.”

Stargazers can view the Hale-Bopp comet in the night sky with the naked eye. Says Jerry Perisho, “For those who have not seen it, just picture Halley’s Comet but without the excitement.”

Scrutiny of the feud between East and West Coast rappers continues. “It all started over the usual,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop: “Who controls what, who insulted whom, whether the theories of Kierkegaard still have relevance. . . .”

Kellogg has introduced its new Cocoa Frosted Flakes. “The new cereal contains sugar frosted flakes with the added kick of chocolate, and printed on each box are instructions on how to coax your kids down from the ceiling.” (Bob Mills)

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Sporting Scene: The NBA’s Dennis Rodman’s announcement that he will try professional wrestling has caused a stir. “I hope that sport doesn’t turn him into some weird spectacle,” says Rudolph J. Cecera.

NCAA basketball’s March Madness has begun. “That’s when college basketball players say to the NBA, ‘Show me da money.’ ” (Ecker)

* “Many of the best college players will turn pro,” says Alan Ray. “NBA stars get paid and don’t go to classes. The adjustment should be minimal.”

NFL owners have been meeting this week in Palm Springs. “They will discuss a disturbing trend in sports today. Some of the fans are leaving the stadiums with money left.” (Ray)

Alaskan Martin Buser captured his third Iditarod title. “The team from Beverly Hills has yet to finish,” says Alex Kaseberg. “Apparently French poodles weren’t the way to go.”

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Military Life: Army recruits in Aberdeen, Md., claim their sexual harassment statements were coerced, but the Army denies it. “ ‘Military discipline has always been scrupulously maintained,’ insisted the Army’s PR spokesman Sgt. Ernest Bilko.” (Mills)

The Army continues its broader standards to increase enlistment. “So I guess Riddick Bowe could join there for three days,” says Cecera.

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Reader Mindy Armstrong was reading about American pioneers with her 9-year-old son, Casey. She pointed out on a map the route of Lewis and Clark in the early 1800s. Casey looked puzzled.

“I thought Lewis and Clark had a TV show.”