Punch Lines
Modern Life: “Sometimes our world seems so dangerous that you just want to sit back and enjoy a simple and safe pleasure--like eating a frozen fruit cup.” (Russ Myer)
*
New in Medicine: “A report says moderate drinking helps speed heart attack recovery. Of course heavy drinking can be a deterrent,” says Alan Ray. “If the doctors are too drunk, they can’t see what they’re doing.”
* “Also to save lives now, you do the Heineken maneuver.” (Jerry Perisho)
Scientists have created artificial human chromosomes. “With this discovery, the researchers hope to create Hollywood agents.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)
* “This is very alarming,” says Argus Hamilton. “It could lead to a worldwide glut of Robert Goulets.”
*
Our Military: At Camp Lejeune, women fired live ammunition for the first time in Marine Corps history. “If the experiment succeeds, women Marines will be allowed to operate TV remotes.” (Bob Mills)
B2 Stealth bombers are ready for use. They can carry bombs that burrow hundreds of feet below ground before exploding. “That’s one way to get rid of those pesky gophers,” observes the Scoop.
The Pentagon says the Air Force stopped investigating UFOs in 1969. “Which is unfortunate, because some of those space aliens were offering to sell us wrenches for a lot less than 900 bucks.” (Scoop)
*
In the News: A Los Angeles serial rapist drew the longest sentence in history, 700 years plus 11 life terms. “Attorneys for Sean Mitchell are hopeful though,” Mills says. “He becomes eligible for parole a week from next Tuesday.”
The stock market took the sixth largest plunge in Wall Street history. “During the frenzy to rid his portfolio of unprofitable stocks, Dow inadvertently sold Jones.” (Mills)
“Sports stadiums around the country are experimenting with a new kind of turf called sports grass,” says Jay Leno. “Half grass and half plastic. Very, very durable stuff. In fact, this is the exact same material used in William Shatner’s toupee.”
“The U.S. Census Bureau is trimming its list of questions,” says Alex Kaseberg. “No more questions about past work experience, sewage disposal, water sources or if respondents think Ellen should come out.”
David Carradine gets his star on Hollywood Boulevard. “Tourists won’t have any trouble finding it,” says Mills. “It’s the only one covered with grasshoppers.”
*
Reader Louise Fry’s older daughter was preparing her sister for entering kindergarten in Fountain Valley. Third-grader Loree said:
“Now Liz, there is a class called P.E., and that stands for playground equipment.”
