Punch Lines
The Insurance Industry: The insurance company that issued alien abduction policies has pulled out of the business. “The policy would have paid off if a policyholder was impregnated by a space alien,” laments the Cutler Daily Scoop. “You try getting child support out of a Venusian.”
* “The company is still writing policies for anyone who believes their phone rings whenever they are in the shower.” (Dan Goodman)
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Annals of Justice: A court-appointed fact finder has recommended a solution in a dispute over who owns Ellis Island, site of the Statue of Liberty. “Paul Verkuil ruled that New Jersey should be awarded the tired, the poor and the huddled masses, and New York should get the real estate.” (Bob Mills)
Kit Culkin has dropped his custody battle for Macaulay and his other children. “Kit said he didn’t want to cause the family any more pain, and he just realized how annoying Macaulay really is,” says Goodman.
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The Big Screen: “The movie ‘Volcano’ is set to open. In it the entire city of Los Angeles is nearly buried under a huge layer of floating ash and flying embers . . . or, as we call it here in L.A., the beginning of barbecue season.” (Steve Voldseth)
* “The volcano threatens to cover L.A. with molten lava. New Yorkers are calling it the feel-good movie of the year.” (Alex Kaseberg)
Shooting wrapped up for the June release of “Speed 2.” “In this one Sandra Bullock and her beau frantically try to steer a cruise liner back to shore before Kathie Lee Gifford begins to sing.” (Brian J. Hill)
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In the News: Regarding those hepatitis A-infected fruit desserts served in some public schools, Jay Leno says, “This is what happens when you try to make the lunches healthy with fresh fruit. Let me ask you, you ever hear of anyone getting a bad Twinkie? Ever get a bad Ding Dong, a bad Ho Ho? No! Ever see a fruit fly on a Twinkie? No, they don’t go near them. It’s only the fresh fruit.”
Fourteen-year-old Natalie Gulbis will play in the LPGA. “John Daly has scotch that is older than Natalie.” (Daily Scoop)
Several key Republicans have asked Newt Gingrich to step down as speaker before taking the GOP down with him. “On the plus side, he’s been hired as a consultant on the upcoming Broadway musical ‘Titanic.’ ” (Mills)
Tennessee has become the last state to approve the 15th Amendment, which guarantees the right to vote despite color or creed,” says Kaseberg. “Now they just have to set their clocks forward 127 years on Sunday.”
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Reader Gary Null was carving a piece of wood when the blade of his small pocketknife broke. “Darn it, my knife broke,” he told his 2 1/2-year-old grandson, Cody.
“Maybe it needs new batteries, Granddad,” Cody said.
