He’s Trying to Get a Handle on His Fear of Hardware
I went out to water the dying lily on my patio last week and noticed the faucet handle for the garden hose was missing. I scoured the ground to no avail and was left with this question: What kind of a thievin’ varmint would steal another man’s faucet handle?
A friend shrugged off my plight, saying it was easily remedied by a trip to the hardware store. Little did he know . . .
If I could write the words “hardware store” in blood-dripping letters, I would. It’s possible someone in Orange County is less handy around the house than I, but it’s doubtful. And maybe someone else has greater dread about entering a hardware store, but, again, it’s unlikely.
I can’t remember the last time I was in a hardware store. I avoid it like dim wits avoid the library. But, I did need that faucet handle, so, with a friend’s blessing, off to Home Depot I trod.
It is a parallel universe from my own. My epitaph might well be: “He Couldn’t Fix Anything.” I have more in common with the Heaven’s Gate cult than I do the shoppers at Home Depot. I left bright sunlight and entered a darkened pit of fertilizers, fixtures and faucets that bore no resemblance to the world I inhabit. I could not have been more out of place had I stumbled into an Egyptian tomb. Nor, as it turned out, in more potential danger. Not to be a baby about it, but shouldn’t there be a sign telling aisle-walkers to beware of other people’s pushcarts, with 20-foot tubing and pieces of lumber protruding from them?
What is a 3-inch pop-up drainage emitter? A spanner flange? An ABS-DWV 90-degree long turn elbow? A 90-degree elbow with a low heel inlet? The 3-inch by 2-inch ABS-DWV flush bushing? Pipe straps? A 1 1/2-inch male adapter? Slide repair coupling? Slip joint tee? Slip joint union?
Who buys 7-pound sand designer grout that is, according to the package, “polymer-modified, just add water”? Rigid tie rail brackets? European side mounts? European bottom mounts? Post caps? Tile clamps? Joist hangers? Concealed flange joist hangers?
What, pray tell, is a ridge rafter connector? Who is Peg Hooks? What is a cable ferrule and stop set, and why would anyone need one? Aren’t 10 3/4-inch offset tinner snips something you use to garnish potatoes?
Disoriented at one point, I wandered down an aisle where they displayed wing nuts, screw hooks, eye bolts and U-bolts all in the same rack. Under the sign, “Hard to Find Items,” there they were: grommets, cable ferrules and screw posts.
I know what a wrench is, but I didn’t know the choices were flare nut, box end and polished combination. I wondered if I would ever need a 5/16-inch dowel plug flat. Or a 27/64-inch split point drill, or a 5-hole hook loop disc. How about an 8-ounce plumb bob?
Bin after bin of metal parts and tools that, if assembled, look as if they could constitute a plutonium reactor. Who came up with the automatic stud sensor? The Schedule 40 pressure riser extender?
My grandpa was handy, but he apparently handed nothing down to my father, who handed even less down to me. Besides that, I’m suspicious of people who say they can fix things. My uncle is like that--he told my dad once that he could easily replace the windshield wipers on our car, so he did. The next time it rained, Dad turned on the wipers and they flew from their moorings into a Nebraska cornfield. He sat by the side of the road for the next two hours, waiting for the rain to stop.
People say you can educate yourself about home repair, but what if you don’t speak their language? Here’s what the package says about the male adapter: “Adapts ABS pipe to standard female pipe threads.” The flush bushing device “inserts into ABS fitting hub to reduce to smaller pipe sizes,” with this added bit of information: “Solvent welded connections.”
I thought I was familiar with hammers, having once wielded both a claw hammer and ball-peen jobbie in shop class. But a framing hammer? A rip hammer? A rig builder’s hatchet? I know what files are--those scratchy things used to shape edges. But smooth file, taper file and bastard file? An aluminum oxide grinding set?
Is there a safe usage for the “slide shooter nail driver”? Sounds like a twofer drink at Happy Hour, but according to the package, it’s “a must for the serious craftsman.” Have you ever used a center outlet with baffle slip joint?
Eventually, I got to the faucet handle section. I bought two, knowing if I bought one, it would be the wrong kind. I got the tee handle kind, as well as the wheel handle kind. A friend suggested getting some screws, just in case, so I got two packages of what he said were common screws.
I’ll take his word for it.
Total cash out of my pocket: $5.22.
Now, if somebody could just attach the thing for me.
Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by writing to him at The Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or calling (714) 966-7821.
