Punch Lines
In L.A.: It has been proposed that Police Chief Willie L. Williams receive a $375,000 deal to leave his job early. “Well, he’s no Michael Ovitz,” says Paul Ecker.
* “Apparently the deal was originally for $187,500, but the chief went double or nothing.” (Alex Pearlstein)
“Some sad news,” says Jay Leno. “Fox has canceled the sitcom ‘Married . . . With Children.’ Course now that it’s canceled, it’ll only be on 12 times a day.”
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Around the Country: “Chicagoans have two words for people who make fun of the Cubs: The Bulls.” (Alex Kaseberg)
“In New York City, 30,000 doormen are set to go on strike. Is anybody worried about this?” asks Leno. “Are New Yorkers really gonna be standing there in the lobbies with their faces pressed against the glass, going, ‘We can’t get out! Send the National Guard!’ ”
Speaker Newt Gingrich addressed the House, admitting that to the degree he had made mistakes, they were errors of implementation but never of intent. “Hillary Clinton watched furiously,” says Argus Hamilton. “Those are her jokes.”
At Hofstra University in Hempstead, N.Y., Dan Quayle said the Bush White House should be credited with helping to get “life-threatening drugs” on the market. “It could have been worse,” says Hamilton. “At least he didn’t vow to find Jimmy Hofstra.”
Continental Airlines signed a deal with New York theater owners to become the “official airline of Broadway.” Says Kaseberg: “From now on, the people in coach will be called ‘Les Miserables.’ ”
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The High Seas: Over the weekend, the Coast Guard rescued 16 people from a sinking boat that was sailing to Catalina. Turned out they were making a porno film. “I believe the name of the movie they were shooting was ‘Das Booty.’ ” (Leno)
* “Buoyancy-wise, most of those actresses could not have possibly drowned,” says Lue Deck.
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New in Sports: A record number of players with criminal records was picked during the NFL draft. “Final results were announced simultaneously on ‘Wide World of Sports’ and ‘America’s Most Wanted.’ ” (Bob Mills)
Ten thousand people ran in the Boston Marathon. “They have an interesting way of starting the race,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “Ted Kennedy says, ‘Ready, set. . . . Anybody need a ride?’ And they’re off.”
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Reader Jo Pranzo of Fullerton overheard this encounter at the Brea Mall. A woman walked up to a stroller with two little boys in it and asked, “Are you twins?” One of the boys stood up and said:
“No, we’re boys.”