PUNCH LINES

The Prez: Actors Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen threw a party for President Clinton’s 51st birthday. “Among things not heard at the party: ‘Here, Mr. Starr. Have a piece of cake.’ ” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

“Tipper Gore is having a birthday too. Not heard at her party: ‘Oh, wow! The Marilyn Manson CD!’ ” (Scoop)

With the first family away on vacation, repair crews began work on plugged steam pipes that were killing the grass on the north lawn of the White House. “The problem turned out to be wads of buried Whitewater documents.” (Bob Mills)

The three-week vacation at Martha’s Vineyard is the longest relaxation time the Clintons have had in a decade. That is, says Jerry Perisho, “if you don’t count the reelection campaign against Bob Dole.”

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How You Know You Are in L.A.: School officials are voicing concern over unregulated recruiting on campuses by casting crews from studios. “Where else are kids grounded for getting bad grades from Siskel and Ebert?” (Mills)

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Family Corner: “A new study says spanking is bad for kids,” says Paul Steinberg. “However, experts are a bit suspicious of the findings. The study was written in crayon.”

* The University of New Hampshire team said spanking makes children aggressive. “It recommends spanking only for children planning military, political or telemarketing careers.” (Johnny Robish)

Recent research finds that teenagers who dine with their parents are better adjusted than other teens. “Of course they don’t like sitting there being criticized for everything they do,” says Alan Ray. “And the teens can be just as sensitive.”

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Celeb Doings: Actor Sean Connery escaped injury when a brick thrown from a bridge shattered his car’s windshield in London last week. “Authorities say Connery was shaken, but not stirred.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

* “Police say DNA recovered at the scene points to their prime suspect--Goldfinger.” (Mills)

Pamela Anderson Lee says, “I’m going to do another movie right after Christmas and then I’m going back to ‘Baywatch.’ ” Says the Daily Scoop, “I guess people really do return to the scene of the crime.”

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The Galactic Jalopy: The space station Mir’s main computer failed and it was forced to shut down control systems. “In other words, just another day in paradise.” (Daily Scoop))

* “The old crew is in Moscow going, ‘See, it wasn’t us! It wasn’t us!’ ” (Scoop)

Reader Andrew Bairden says his 5-year-old granddaughter, Katelyn, was thinking about spending some of her money on candy. She said:

“Dollars cost a lot of money, so I’m only going to give them pennies.”