Do We Need Another Tourist Trap? Totally

“The axiom in marketing,” an expert told me the other day, “is that you sell the product the way the consumer buys it.”

In other words, you sell Budweiser as, you know, beer and not, say, an all-purpose cleaner. And you don’t air TV commercials depicting frogs thirsty for Formula 409.

Seems simple enough, except the topic at hand was the chosen mission of the newly incorporated San Fernando Valley Convention and Visitors Bureau, whose product is the Valley itself. Not the Valley as a place to live, but as a tourist destination. So how will those consumers buy this product? How will they perceive it?

The Valley tourism bureau, as I reported Sunday, has essentially glommed onto the glitz of Hollywood. Its new slogan: “The Valley of the Stars.”

They can do better. After all, it isn’t as if the San Fernando Valley lacks a marketable image. If Valley ConVis is serious about selling the product the way the consumer buys it, then consider this modest proposal:

The Valley Girl Hall of Fame.

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You think I’m kidding? Think again. This idea is a winner. Like, totally.

Maybe you’re sick and tired of the old Val stereotype. Maybe you think that’s yesterday’s news. Sorry, but what you think doesn’t matter. What matters is what the tourists think.

I shared a sketchy outline of the concept recently with Joanie McClellan, president of the San Fernando Valley ConVis. She seemed to think it has possibilities--especially since she’s been having trouble getting the Valley’s storied shopping malls to join her group. To better understand the Valley Girl Hall of Fame proposal, here are some answers to frequently asked questions:

Why do we need a Valley Girl Hall of Fame?

You mean apart from separating tourists from their money? People often complain that the Valley has no culture, meaning no hoity-toity art museums or symphony halls. But the Valley is notorious for its culture-with-a-small-c. The Valley Girl is an enduring icon that has been recognized and replicated the world over, an embodiment of frivolous, trendy teenage values. Greater Los Angeles has had museums devoted to bananas, brassieres and Bigfoot. Certainly the Valley Girl deserves at least that much respect. And if we’re going to exploit the Valley Girl, we must grow the Val image.

What do you mean, “grow the Val image”?

Some nitwits think the Zappas invented the Valley Girl. Actually, Frank and his daughter, Moon Unit, simply celebrated the breed in song. Val Hall--that’s what we’ll call the Hall of Fame for short--will of course feature a tribute to the Zappas and their role in popularizing Val culture. But the Vals of whom Moon sang emerged from a spiritual ancestry rooted in both suburbia and show biz. Who do you think was the greatest Val of all time?

Hey, I thought I was asking the frequently asked questions here. You tell me, who’s the greatest Val of them all?

My vote goes to the former Norma Jean Baker. Yes, Marilyn Monroe was the Babe Ruth of Vals. Went to Van Nuys High and, in Val tradition, manipulated her looks. Perfected the role of dumb blond in the movies but wasn’t really that dumb or that blond. Plus she had that materialism going for her. Teenage Vals may want shoes. Marilyn’s best friends were diamonds.

But, gee, won’t Val Hall be perpetuating negative stereotypes?

If you really want to be politically correct about this, we could feature Vals Who Broke the Mold. Amelia Earhart, for example--the most famous Val of her time. Speaking of molds, there’s a fiberglass statue of Amelia in North Hollywood that’s in terrible shape. She deserves better--as do all Vals.

So true. What would Val Hall look like?

On the inside, visitors would be greeted by a interactive robotic Valley Girl that would answer questions in Valspeak. There would be themed wings. One would be called “Like Totally,” another “Fershur,” another “Omigod!” There would be fiberglass busts of the honorees plus a pithy script explaining their Val credentials. Did you know Debbie Reynolds was once Miss Burbank? Anyway, we’d have photos, documents and of course fashions actually worn by the Vals, with particular emphasis on shoes.

Outside, Val Hall would look just like the Sherman Oaks Galleria. In fact, it would be the Galleria, since this is the archetypal Val mall. We’d just need a few thousand square feet to start. Later, there could be Val Hall satellite locations. CityWalk would definitely need one. And Topanga Plaza. And Burbank’s Media City Center.

But how would we make money?

Any way we could. We’d sell T-shirts, coffee cups, postcards and all the usual tourist junk. Think of the stuff Marilyn’s image already sells. We could peddle our own line of Val cosmetics and perfumes. Visitors from Tokyo and Berlin would buy a phony Daily Variety announcing their daughters’ induction into the Valley Girl Hall of Fame. We’d sell Valley Monopoly games and maps to the “Valley of the Stars” and educational videos like “Valley Girl” (inspired by the song), “Clueless” (set in Beverly Hills, but Val in spirit) and “Encino Man.”

So, how does Val Hall become a reality?

Two possibilities. One is that an entrepreneur just takes this idea and runs with it. The second is for a nonprofit group like Valley ConVis to put it together. It could recruit some heavy-duty Vals for the steering committee. Jamie Tarses, the 33-year-old president of ABC Entertainment, would be ideal.

She’s a Val of the ‘90s, a Val’s Val even--a local girl with brains and looks who grew up in a show-biz family and made it big young. So big that she was the subject of a New York Times Magazine profile, which explored why her new title seems to be “beleaguered president of ABC Entertainment.” It seems that if ABC’s fall prime-time lineup flops, Tarses may wind up with plenty of time on her hands to do good works in the community.

Whatever happens, Jamie Tarses is a future Hall of Famer, for sure. I mean, fershur.

Scott Harris’ column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Readers may write to him at The Times’ Valley Edition, 20000 Prairie St., Chatsworth 91311, or via e-mail at scott.harris@latimes.com Please include a phone number.

The Valley is notorious for its culture-with-a-small-c. The Valley Girl is an enduring icon that has been recognized and replicated the world over.