They’re Hitching a Ride . . . or Not

Would you go?

When we asked readers if they would volunteer to colonize Mars, almost 600 responded. Eternal fame, untold celestial jewels and hot martian babes were just a few of the more earthly reasons given by those who answered yes. Family, friends and Yosemite National Park were cited as compelling draws to stay put.

Some readers said they envision the Red Planet as a place to start over, sort of the ultimate suburb without the “craziness” of Southern California. Others were hoping for a utopia where all would be judged as “martians” and not by society’s labels.

We heard from schoolchildren from Fountain Valley to Australia, retirees from Port Hueneme to Oregon, and one woman who said she’d go only if she could bring her k.d. lang tapes. Here are our favorite 25 replies.

NASA, are you listening?

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Isn’t Mars the planet men are supposedly from? I, as a young woman, would not volunteer to colonize Mars because I already get to put up with enough of the martian kind here on Earth. It’s exciting enough without having to travel millions of miles from home. Plus I’d miss my family and friends terribly.

STEPHANIE CHAMBERS

Irvine

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To escape the tyranny of economic, social, religious and political globalization of Earth.

To escape the computer records of Earth, preventing anyone from starting over in his or her life.

To escape the billions of other people, breeding like rabbits, using limited resources, forcing other life into extinction, growing like cancer.

ROBERT MOCKAN

Northridge

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I have dreamed of the possibility of going to Mars! It would be a journey within! An opportunity to get in touch with, nurture and heal my inner martian! Oh, the joy to return to Earth after one year on Mars and establish planet-wide Martians Anonymous (MA) support groups!!

CORBETT MONICA

Riverside

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Colonize Mars! We have mentally separated ourselves so far from the land that gave birth to us that we actually have the hubris to believe we can still be earthlings while physically separated from this beautiful planet. The Earth is not just some “environment” within which we play out the dramas of our lives. We are the Earth.

Are we so imprisoned by our minds that we worship our inventions rather than our home; fouling and dismembering it before we move on to some new frontier? Until we come home to our true selves in all our beauty, diversity, ambiguity and earthliness, we will be doomed to repeat this same pattern of “using up and moving on.” Don’t go; stay home and love our Earth.

PAUL M. HERSHFIELD

Venice

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I am 83 years old. I will help colonize Mars. But:

* To maintain residence in my retirement center I cannot be absent more than six months at a time, so the spacecraft must go and come more quickly.

* My driver’s license expires in 2000. To drive the Mars Rover, which I certainly would expect to do, the colonization program must be in hand well before that date.

MARJORIE J. DYE

Pasadena

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I couldn’t care less if anyone ever went to Mars. To me it is stupid, and I am not interested at all. It is a waste of time and money . . . things we don’t have enough of.

SEAN McMENAMIN

Age 14

Anaheim

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If I could be crowned Miss Universe and made Mars despot, I’d go. I’d get to choose a team of people / animals / vegetation to help colonize, including: my boyfriend; morning glories; my cats, Guidospinney, Leipshin and Stupid; friends Jessica and Josh; and half a dozen masseuses working daily to subdue my stress.

Of course, I could also use some bananas, tiramisu and caramel lattes made by Mike O’Brien, but I’m not holding my breath.

BETSY KENOFF

Future Absolute Ruler of Mars

Manhattan Beach

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Are you nuts? I just took a third out on the house to pay for the kid’s braces. Wilma wants another baby for the kid to play with. Murdoch is buying the Dodgers. Gangs, dope and shootings. A pickup costs 20 grand?

I say let’s colonize Earth first . . . then I’ll go.

DENNIS DILWORTH

Studio City

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I would not be interested in an attempt to colonize Mars. I’ve already been to Antelope Valley. The terrain is exactly the same and there’s no life there either.

GARY BOLEN

Valencia

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No, because I will miss my family and friends. My mom would be worried and my dad would be worried too. My sister would be looking for me. I am too little to live on Mars. I would be worried about my whole family.

CYNTHIA BELLO

4th grade

San Miguel Elementary School, South Gate

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Yes, I would be one of the first to volunteer. Being a single man from Mars and just dating women from Venus, I would welcome the chance to meet a lady from Mars that I could understand and communicate with.

ROCK A. NELSON

Torrance

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I would live on Mars if they had cookies. Also, if they would make me the king of Mars.

KEVIN DZHANSZYAN

4th Grade

Coldwater Canyon Elementary School, North Hollywood

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I would want to colonize Mars because I am vertically challenged. I am a basketball fanatic, and I would build a basketball court on my new planet. With the ability to jump six times higher on Mars than on Earth, I could realize my dream of finally dunking a basketball.

PETER CHOI

Northridge

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I will not go to Mars because I am not going to freeze to death and fly around in Mars and lose my hand. And see a lot of aliens on Mars too. And see meteors keep on crashing against Mars. Thank you for your time.

KESHAWN MACK

Age 12

Phoenix

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Do I want to soar through the galaxy with Captain Kirk and go where no man has gone before? Give me Vulcan ears, call me first mate and beam me up Scotty! I want to be so close to Orion’s belt that I could buckle it.

TAMARA SMITH

Fullerton

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I’m a true Southern Californian. What would I do without sunny beaches and shopping malls? The very thought of traveling in a spaceship for days and landing on a planet so foreign to my own makes me ill. If I want to see extraterrestrials, I’ll just go to Venice Beach.

MICHELLE AGUILAR

Orange

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To be among the first to colonize Mars would be a rewarding experience. Pioneers have always held a special position in American culture and social circles. And just think: 200 years or so from now, my family could say that they had an ancestor who “came over on the Mars-flower.”

MICHAEL ANTHONY GATTO

Los Angeles

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Yeah, I’d go. Anything to get off the 405. Where do I sign?

JAMES LANDI

North Hills

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I would go if:

* I were much younger (am 79).

* We were further along in space tech.

* Round trip was assured.

* Long-term work contract was included.

* Women were there or went along.

* Must be good food, good music and plenty of interesting work to do. And weather like Port Hueneme.

ELLIOTT T. PILCHARD

Port Hueneme

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If volunteers were sent to Mars, I’d go. Why not? I’d stay for about, oh, six months. If I really liked it I’d go back. After all, I might see some aliens like my brother Brendan. He’s a real alien!

BRIDGET LOPER

Age 9

San Juan Capistrano

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Once I would’ve jumped at the chance to venture into the unknown, imagining the limitless possibilities of another world. How tantalizing and utterly egotistical to be one of the first persons on Mars, a modern pioneer. But now I am a single mother with a 2-year-old and together we shall explore the very same things here in our very much progressed world and find many new wonders here on Earth.

AMANDA HENDON & BABY HADLEY

West Hollywood

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I’ll pass.

1) To paraphrase Groucho: I would not want to join any group that would allow me membership.

2) Imagine nothing but Star Trek trivia games for the rest of your life.

3) There “may” be some water? Until I get a substantiated surf report, no way dude.

DOUG STEVENSON

La Mirada

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Would I go and be part of the colonization of Mars? Heck yes, times 50.

CURTIS I. TRIPP

Santa Ana

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I volunteer to go and colonize Mars! I have good reasons. I could be in peace and quiet, I’d be away from pollution, I wouldn’t have to make my bed, no one could tell me what to do, I could be an explorer and ride in a Mars buggy.

KATHRYN WOODS

Grade 4, Toorak College

Mount Eliza, Victoria, Australia

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It’s 5 degrees on Mars. Write to the Yukon Territorial Chamber of Commerce and compare travel brochures. No pines on Mars; no grayling in the stream; no caribou in the tundra.

Also, imagine a seven-month bus ride to get to nothing but Red Rock Canyon.

Don’t even beam me there, Scotty.

GEORGE R. CARTTER

Nipomo, Calif.

--Compiled by Barbara Thomas and Martin Miller.