laugh lines

* “ ‘Tis the season, and popular this year is the Fisher-Price coffee service set,” says Alan Ray. “Kids as young as 4 can pretend they’re holding a Democratic fund-raiser.”

* “The holiday shopping season has begun, and people are apparently hunting bargains and sales--according to research conducted by Duh and Associates.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “A consumer group has a list of dangerous toys out for Christmas,” says Ray. “They warn about hazardous gifts. An item with a lot of small, disassembled parts can cause Dad to go crazy.”

* A survey says decorating their home for the holidays is a pleasure for 46% of Americans, says Bill Williams. “And 8% of Americans get pleasure from leaving their decorations up all year long.”

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* “For the first time, Jerry Springer’s show passed Rosie O’Donnell in ratings,” says Gary Easley. “Of course Rosie was working at a disadvantage. She limited her guests to beings from this planet.”

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* Nadean Cool told “60 Minutes” last Sunday that a psychiatrist had convinced her she had multiple personalities, including Satan and a duck. “That’s a good combination,” says Jerry Perisho. “She would lay deviled eggs.”

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* “Nancee Borgnine, daughter of Oscar-winning actor Ernest, is marketing an all-natural soft drink made with coffee, carbonated water and sugar,” says Bob Mills. “It not only keeps you awake, but you hallucinate ‘McHale’s Navy’ reruns.”

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* Actress Helen Mirren said Harrison Ford is a lousy on-screen kisser. “Well, once you’ve kissed a Wookie, it’s hard to go back.” (Daily Scoop)

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* Kenny G set the world record for holding one note on his saxophone for more than 45 minutes, says the Olympia Daily World. “The two-CD set comes out Friday.”

* “He reportedly told fans they could leave their seats because holding a note that long would get boring. Oh, Kenny. You make it sooooooo easy.” (Daily Scoop)

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* “Folklore tells us why Santa asked Rudolph with his bright red nose to guide his sleigh that night. Robert Downey Jr. was busy.” (Ray)

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* British Prime Minister Tony Blair denied rumors that a stray cat that had been hanging around his house had been put to sleep. Blair told reporters, “If we wanted to put the cat to sleep, we’d sit him in front of Prince Charles.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)